[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments for group 2 Oct. meeting

[Tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Val 
The poem starts out  with a profound title. Seven has universal 
significance. It is a finishing  point. The seventh day in which we rest. The seventh 
year in which we rest our  fields. Seven years of plenty and seven years of 
famine. The seven year  itch.  But in the case of the  writer’s grief, there 
is no end. No diminishment. No  relief. 
It is an ode to  everlasting love. As a reader my heart felt the poet’s 
tears. But it is clear to  me that the poet is satisfied to live in her grief 
which is carried by this  deepest and tenderest love.

Seven 
vm  10-9-17 
Seven years  you've been gone, 
feels like  seven lifetimes 
with seven  centuries of tears. 
The repetition  of ‘seven’ is powerful. 
I've adjusted  to living alone, 
it's not easy  or wrapped 
in red package  and bow saying 
"All  done" 
Great verse.  Powerful  and  terse. 
Today, I miss  your voice, 
your jolly  laugh, listening heart. 
Nothing fills  the open spaces you 
left in my  life, 
so, here's  another "I love you" poem 
in this  journey of grief. 
A beautiful  love song.________ 
Abbie 
Interesting title. It  invites speculation. We know the garage door was 
damaged. That’s obvious. So  what is the question? If the little girl did it, 
will she carry guilt to her  grave? Could this be the king pin that makes her 
define herself as an evil  person? Is her psyche damaged for all time? If 
she did not do it, did she learn  that disaster could occur without warning 
at any time and that the world was a  dangerous place and not to be trusted? 
Was her sense of security damaged for all  time? Why did the parents leave 
the motor running? Very irresponsible. Did  social services get wind of this, 
and if so, was the little girl placed in  foster homes and eventually sold 
into human trafficking. Did the parent’s go to  jail? Was the family 
damaged?  And  so on, and so on, and so on. 
How old does a kid  have to be to have a baby seat?  If  she leapt back 
into her seat, she must have felt guilty and have been capable of  telling a 
lie. 
Was the day care  center for children or the elderly and infirm? That would 
make a big difference  in how I would look at this episode.  If it were for 
children, I would assume this was an oversight and that  they will have 
learned their lesson. If the story is true, did you ever find out  the answer 
to that question?  
I enjoyed this  piece.  It was a story told with a  minimum of words. It’s 
a great big question with no  answers. 
I can’t see anything I  would change. 

What's  Damaged?

my garage door after a big  
black truck crashed  into it. 
A little girl in the back seat, about four or five, 
left alone  while parents were in the day care center next door, 
could she, in her  eagerness to be in the driver's seat, 
have put the truck in gear,   
driven up my driveway,  proud as could be,  
slammed into my garage  door, then leaped back into her seat? 
She says she didn't, 
but only she  knows the truth. 
Will she carry her secret to the  grave?
----- 
Brad 
The title is good.  However, in my mind, a goal of restoration is, in a 
way, a dead end. It means to  restore something to its original condition. It 
is one of the icons of spiritual  thinking, but getting back to where we were 
begs the question, “And then what.  We’ve already been here. What was all 
that in-between stuff  about?

Restoration
C  By Brad Corallo
Word count 78

In a far away  place 
The idea of a place is  also a limiting concept. I think the piece is 
trying to connote something which  can’t be defined geographically. On the other 
hand, the romantic language of a  far away place does communicate that this 
place will be very different from  anything we know today in the here and 
now. It is reminiscent of the Star Wars  introduction. That robs this line of 
originality. You might try using the word  dimension or universe.

in a moment beyond  time. 
This concept is a  conundrum for which I know of no solution. Poetically, 
it does a good job of  coming close. As good as possible, probably. You’re 
using time to describe no  time.  This is a limitation of the  human brain, 
not your poetry.  
If you use the word  multi-universe in some way to express, time out of 
time, it may help partially  deal with the problem. Multiple universe theory is 
gaining the support of many  scientists, and these universes are likely to 
have different properties of time  and space. But I think you should keep 
the poem as it is. It makes the point.   

We will finally  meet
under a gently glowing golden sky. 
I’m assuming that we  have already met, but now we are meeting in this 
new/old predetermined place  described below. A place we have looked forward to  
being. 

Together we will  stand, facing.
We will gaze deeply into each other's eyes
and we will know  one another

even more fully than  we do now. 
I wouldn’t make this a  comparative description. Just saying something 
like, “We will know each other,”  is more powerful. 

We will  smile
and take each other's hands.  
These are two  descriptive, effective lines. I don’t think they were meant 
necessarily to be  concrete physical descriptions, but rather to express an 
indescribable meeting  of souls. 

A long forgotten  ancient cord shall ring. 
I get  that. 

And at last, all  will be 
as it always should have been. 
 
Here I have a real  problem with the ‘should’ word. It tends to indicate 
that all of our experiences  up to that time are a waste of time. I would 
prefer to  think that we are gong somewhere, not just trying to get back to 
where we  were.  Having said all that, I realize that  the best a poem can do 
is to offer the possibility of knowing the unknowable, or  ineffable. Your 
poem does that.



Alice 
The piece was, as  usual, written very well. Although there are some minor 
questions I’ve  interjected, the story communicates its message clearly, 
interestingly and  skillfully. However, I had a lot of trouble with the 
message. I realize that it  is not the job of the critic to comment on the message, 
but this is a strongly  presented political opinion. The opinion holds 
together logically if you accept  its major premise. In other words, it is 
consistent within itself.  Unfortunately, I believe it to be a flawed premise. 
Nevertheless, I reiterate  that the literary virtue of the story is quite 
good. I apologize for going  outside the bounds of a critic’s prerogatives. 

Taking a Knee on  Halloween 

by Alice Jane-Marie  Massa 
A gasp echoed from both sides of the stadium where two elite NFL teams  
were playing on a rain-soaked field on the eve of Halloween.  With a voice 
touched by sincere concern,  the sportscaster announced, "Darren Roland is down. 
 He has sustained an injury to his right  knee.  The quarterback of the  
Zephyrs is now being carried off the field.  We will have an update on his 
condition  as soon as possible." 
Great set up. It gives a whole lot of information in a  minimum number of 
words, and it grabs the reader’s  attention. 
Drifting in and out of consciousness, Darren Roland tried to recall if  his 
parents and girlfriend were in the stands.  He thought that they were 
watching the  game on television; he was worried about their reaction to watching 
his being  carried off the field.  Then, the  pain in his knee surpassed 
his fuzzy thoughts.   
A short while later, Roland realized that he was in an ambulance--his  
first experience with being in the back of an ambulance.  The ride was rougher 
than he ever  expected. This indicates that he was anticipating the ride and 
how rough it  would be. Did you intend to say or implicate this expectation? 
In what ways was  it rougher? Was it a bumpy ride? Was his knee more 
painful than he thought it  would be? 
"Can you tell me what your name is?" 
Despite requiring more effort than usual, he managed to respond in a  raspy 
voice, "Darren Scott Roland." 
Was the difficulty partially due to his fuzzy headedness  and/or physical 
difficulty in speaking? 
"Do you know what today is?" 
"Sure, it's Halloween."  The  quarterback could feel that someone had cut 
off part of his uniform so that the  EMTs and team doctor could do a 
preliminary examination of his bleeding   
Good interesting details. 
and swelling knee.  Darren was grateful to feel all four of his 
extremities, to feel the  pain.   
Suddenly, Darren saw another face--not in medical attire, but in an Army  
uniform.  For a few seconds, the  quarterback thought he was seeing a 
ghost--the ghost of his grandfather who had  been killed in action, in Vietnam, 
long before Darren was  born.   
"Gramps, is that you?  What  are you doing here?" Roland asked aloud. 
The ghost drew closer to his grandson and replied, "Yes,  I have been 
waiting for this moment to talk with  you." 
Did his Grandfather’s spirit know that this accident  would occur? Was he 
waiting for a time when his Grandson would be in and out of  consciousness so 
that he could communicate with  him? 
"Are you a ... ghost ... or an  angel?" 
The EMT interrupted, "Mr. Roland, are you with  me?" 
"I passed, but I did not pass on yet because I had to meet you  tonight.  
No, I am not an angel  yet.  You may think of me as a  ghost, but I am 
referred to as a spirit.  You may just think of me as your grandfather who has 
come to set your  knee straight, to set you straight," the spirit began to  
explain. 
Pretty authoritarian ghost. He outranks his 
Grandson,  and his word is therefore supreme. Did you mean for him to come 
out so  authoritarian? 
Darren blinked his eyes several times and tried to block the image of his  
grandfather's uniformed.  "ETA  7:07," the younger Roland heard an EMT say.  
 
"Do you see my grandfather here?  He is wearing his Army uniform." 
"I understand that none of your family was at the game tonight.  I am sure 
someone will be at the  hospital with you later," the team doctor  said. 
Great description of the misunderstanding of what the  quarterback was 
trying to ask. In fact, you’ve done a superb job in describing  this three way 
communication, where one of the participants is unaware of a  third member. 
Darren's grandfather continued:  "What's this about taking a knee?  You 
know where you were taught to genuflect--at church.  You put down one knee to 
genuflect, to  show your reverence and belief in God as you entered church.  
Then, after genuflecting, you put both  of your little knees on the kneeler 
to pray.  You kneel at church; you stand for your  country and the flag 
while the National Anthem is played and sung.  Your family taught you better 
than  ..." 
The writing is great, but the logic is flawed. How can  taking a knee be a 
sign of respect and reverence in one situation and not in  another; 
especially since the claims of the knee takers is that it is a sign of  respect? 
"Wait, Gramps, now is not the time and place for that," Darren remarked  
aloud. 
"Mr. Roland, Mr. Roland, can you hear me?" the EMT asked  again. 
"No, Darren, you and your teammates have the time and place all  wrong.  I 
thought my grandson would  always want to stand to show respect  for his 
grandpa and all who fought for that flag and for our  freedoms.  I thought I 
would never  have to intervene as ..." 
Darren more loudly interrupted:  "You did it!  You caused my  accident!  
How could you ruin my  career like this?" 
"I am not ruining your career:  I am here to save your career, to save your 
life.  Oh, I can see to it that you make a  miraculously speedy recovery if 
you recover your senses.  You need to go to the VA  Hospital..." 
Boy, talk about holding a gun to someone’s head, and  telling the victim he’
s doing him a favor.  
"You must know that I am not a veteran:  they are taking me to St.  
Anthony's." 
"I know where you are going now; however, after your surgery and early  
recovery, you need to visit the VA Hospital so that some of those patients can  
tell you how much they would like to stand for The Star-Spangled Banner.   
Great guilt trip. My Jewish mother would be  proud. 
Some of them emotionally and spiritually stand, but they  cannot physically 
stand.  If you  want to make a difference, want to be an instrument of 
change--you can begin at  the VA Hospital.  Then, you can go  to other places 
where you can really make a difference:  at homes and playgrounds in the inner 
 city, at the Boys' and Girls' Clubs, at the Y, at town meetings, at the  
Statehouse, at ..." 
Good presentation of options.   
"Gramps, I do some of that." 
"Not nearly enough, I assure you.  You may have taken a knee for the last 
time on Halloween, but I am here  to make 100 per cent positive that you do 
not take a knee on Veterans' Day and  that you be a leader so that no one 
else on your team takes a knee on Veterans'  Day.  By November 11, you will be  
out on that field; and with a pair of crutches, you will stand for our 
country,  our flag, our National Anthem, our active military force, and our 
veterans.  God bless them  all." 
"I'll be a leader:  I will  stand." 
He caves in too quickly.  When someone is forced under duress to  make a 
complete about face, the new direction is apt to be as tenuous as the  first 
position. 
The EMT insisted, "No, Mr. Roland, you cannot stand  now." 
Good  touch. 
Several hours later, Darren awoke in the hospital room with his head  still 
spinning and his knee still aching.  With in a few seconds, he realized 
that Coach McGuffey was at the  bedside.  "Coach, I'm sorry  ..." 
"That fiasco on the field was not your fault.  I already watched the video, 
and you  ..." 
"No, Coach, I am sorry that I have not been standing for the Anthem.  You 
cannot see him, I suppose; but my  grandfather--who was fatally wounded in 
Vietnam-- is here with me.  His spirit is guiding me to do what is  truly 
right.  As soon as possible, I  want to talk to the team about other ways we can 
try to initiate positive  changes, about some changes we have to make, 
about standing for our National  Anthem--especially on Veterans' Day."   
number of words:  1070 
October 21, 2017/revised October 22,  2017 
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