[Critique Group 2] My Critiques from July 25th Meeting

[Abbie Taylor]

Val, this poem would sound better without so many ing's. For example, 
instead of saying, "air conditioner humming," try "air conditioner hums."

What do you mean by "I call a line." That needs to be made more clear.

You have two instances of playing bingo and trivia and the cat 
snuggling, and I think that's too redundant. Try one use of each in 
these lines. "cat snuggled by my leg

as we play skunk, Bingo, trivia—

blessed by quiet times" Note how I changed your last line. I think it 
sounds better that way.

Brad, in this line, you have "senses" and "scents" together. 
"Approaching the bizarre; senses assaulted by scents and sounds." Try 
this on for size. "Approaching the bizarre; assaulted by scents and sounds."

I'm assuming the silk curtains swaying in the breeze are part of the 
palanquin. I suggest saying, "Its silk curtains sway in the breeze."

In this line, "her eyes met mine conveying the message," "her" needs to 
be capitalized, and there should be a coma after "mine."

Leonard, I like this depiction of mountain peace. I can't find anything 
I think needs to be changed or corrected.

Alice, in these lines, "Away from the radio waves

and the waves of Lake Michigan," try eliminating the two instances of 
the word "the." I think you'll find it flows more smoothly. "Away from 
radio waves

and waves of Lake Michigan,"

Your last stanza would be more effective in present rather than past 
tense. "Today, as usual, I tend to my front porch garden

and the garden

behind my townhouse;

but my summer recollections wander back

to the December of more than four decades ago,

to the blanket of orchids displayed atop a kayak

at the Floating Gardens of Xochimilico.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm

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