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<p class="MsoNormal">Val, this poem would sound better without so
many ing's. For
example, instead of saying, "air conditioner humming," try "air
conditioner hums."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What do you mean by "I call a line." That
needs to
be made more clear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You have two instances of playing bingo and
trivia and the
cat snuggling, and I think that's too redundant. Try one use of
each in these
lines. <span
style="font-size:11.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;font-family:
"Calibri",sans-serif;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri">"cat
snuggled by my
leg</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span
style="font-size:11.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri">as
we play
skunk, Bingo, </span>trivia—</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">blessed by quiet times" Note how I changed
your last line.
I think it sounds better that way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Brad, in this line, you have "senses" and
"scents" together. <span
style="mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">"Approaching the bizarre; senses
assaulted
by scents and </span>sounds." Try this on for size. <span
style="mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">"Approaching
the bizarre; assaulted by scents and </span>sounds."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I'm assuming the silk curtains swaying in the
breeze are
part of the palanquin. I suggest saying, "Its silk curtains sway
in the
breeze."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this line, <span
style="mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">"her eyes met mine conveying the
</span>message,"
"her" needs to be capitalized, and there should be a coma after
"mine."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Leonard, I like this depiction of mountain
peace. I can't
find anything I think needs to be changed or corrected.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="Normal00"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none">Alice, in these lines, <span
style="font-size:10.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:
Calibri">"Away from the radio waves</span></p>
<p class="Normal02"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none">and the waves of Lake Michigan," try
eliminating the
two instances of the word "the." I think you'll find it flows
more
smoothly. <span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;font-family:
"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">"Away from
radio
waves </span></p>
<p class="Normal02"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">and waves of
Lake </span>Michigan,"<span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:
12.0pt;font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none">Your last stanza would be more effective in
present rather
than past tense. <span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">"Today,
as usual, I tend to my front porch garden</span></p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">and the
garden </span></p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">behind my
townhouse;</span></p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">but my summer
recollections wander back</span></p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">to the
December of more than four decades ago,</span></p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">to the
blanket of orchids displayed atop a kayak</span></p>
<p class="Normal03"
style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;
text-autospace:none"><span
style="font-size:10.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New
Roman",serif;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri">at the
Floating Gardens of Xochimilico.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
<pre class="moz-signature" cols="72">--
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author <a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com">http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com</a>
<a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com">http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com</a>
<a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:abbie@mysero.net">abbie@mysero.net</a>
Order my new memoir at <a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm">http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm</a></pre>
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