[Critique Group 2] comments from June 27 critique session

[Alice Massa]

Hello, writers of Group Two!

I was determined to complete the following comments and mail these to 
you before my rounds of company that will be here from July 12-19.Alas, 
I thank you for your comments about my poem and offer to you the 
following from our June 27 critique session.

1.Valerie:"Father"

 From the singing of the father to the singing of the poet, this 
outstanding poem displays well the "full circle" writing technique.Near 
the beginning of the poem, place double quotation marks around each song 
title.

Consider changing the participial phrase "telling me to find it" to the 
verb in the absolute past "told."

In the early 1980s, I do recall receiving from my parents a book about 
the importance of eye exercises to improve vision.

One of the loveliest and most thought-provoking passages of this poem 
is: "leaving a clean place for you in my heart."

The ending is so tender and demonstrates how far the poet has traveled 
in spirit and kindness:"shadows move away as I now sing to you."

This emotionally painful "song" becomes even more so when the reader is 
acquainted with the poet.Around Father's Day, this heart-wrenching poem 
must have been written with tears.This poet seems to specialize in 
touching poems.

2. Leonard:"Generation Cyborg"

Although I have read Leonard's impressive re-write of the essay which he 
offered to us after our June 27 critique session, I will still include 
here the comments concerning the prior draft.

Thanks for a very good title and for prompting me to use my dictionary 
twice during the initial reading of this piece.I once again admire your 
use of vocabulary and choice of words.

On the other hand, consider changing the wordy:

"It would not have been the first body part which would have been replaced."

with

Her knee was not her first body part to be replaced.

With such a rewrite, you will also avoid "It."

Consider changing the verbal/participle "leaving" to the absolute past 
tense "left her with clenched fists and teary eyes."

Try some sentence combining to avoid the pronoun "That" which does not 
have a totally clear antecedent, as follows:

Throughout these weeks of recuperation, ....

Concerning the conjunction "but," try to avoid conjunctions at the onset 
of a sentence and especially avoid the use of two or more in close 
proximity."However" or "nevertheless" may be options, as well as 
changing to a dependent clause beginning with "Although" or "Even though."

Change "where" to "when" in the following:

point when it just does not make sense to ....

In the clause "they can do for us or to us," change the unclear pronoun 
"they" to a noun phrase, such as "health professionals."

Consider rewriting the following sentence to avoid the initial pronoun 
"This" which refers back to a whole passage--not to a noun or noun phrase.

"This moves us to the embattled issue ...."

The writer has achieved a great final paragraph which demonstrates a 
fine balance of reality, humor, and sarcasm.Additionally, this paragraph 
includes an appropriate level of the writer's own experience about his 
knees, gardening, T'ai Chi practices, and arthritic shoulder.Thanks for 
a superb concluding paragraph.

Overall, the essay develops well an important topic for our times and 
our generation.I hope that the writer will try to have the piece 
published in one of the periodicals of AARP.

3.Brad:"The Long-awaited Quest"

Another fine period piece from this writer shows us that this writer can 
work in prose, as well as poetry to explore his favorite themes and 
settings.One of the strong points of this piece is the choice and 
development of a variety of characters.

Despite the higher quality of writing in the great majority of this 
piece, the first couple of sentences need revision for grammar, 
punctuation, and clarity.

Place a comma after each of the following introductory prepositional 
phrases:

At his side,

During the day,

Use sentence combining to avoid the pronoun "It" which has no antecedent:

After the treacherous five-day crossing of the desert, ....

Delete the word "Until" at the onset of the sentence:"Until" cannot be 
transitional because it can only be a preposition or a subordinating 
conjunction (introducing a dependent clause).

Consider changing the cliche "deafening silence" to merely "silence" or 
another phrase.

This intriguing and interesting story was well told, and I can imagine 
the writer's converting this prose piece to a poem.Either genre would 
work well for a piece to submit to a publisher.

5.Abbie:"Stay Away from My Treehouse"

The good title of this poem sets the tone and stage for a well-written 
poem on a fresh topic.

Consider taking the participial phrase "wearing a body cast from head to 
toe," and moving the phrase to either before or after the pronoun "you" 
which the participial phrase modifies.

Including a timely detail like "Dora the Explorer" adds to the quality 
of this poem which balances well the reality of injury and law suit with 
humor and sarcasm.

I suggest a period and stanza break after "no longer enjoy my own back 
yard."

What a fine summer poem!The combination of fun and serious elements 
coupled with a fresh and innovative approach to the topic make this poem 
an enjoyable read which I imagine the poet will have published in a 
periodical or her next collection.All good poems have a good ending, and 
this poem does.

* * *

Thanks for the variety of pieces and the quality of the work shared on 
June 27!I will look forward to our July 25 session.

Enjoy July!

Alice

July 10, 2017, Monday

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