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<p class="MsoNormal"><a name="_GoBack"></a> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hello, writers of Group Two!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
was
determined to complete the following comments and mail these to
you before my
rounds of company that will be here from July 12-19.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Alas, I thank you for your
comments about my
poem and offer to you the following from our June 27 critique
session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Father"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">From the singing of the father to the singing
of the poet,
this outstanding poem displays well the "full circle" writing
technique.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Near the
beginning of the
poem, place double quotation marks around each song title.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
changing the participial phrase "telling me to find it" to the
verb
in the absolute past "told."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>In
the
early 1980s, I do recall receiving from my parents a book about
the importance
of eye exercises to improve vision.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span
style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>One of the
loveliest and most
thought-provoking passages of this poem is: "leaving a clean
place for you
in my heart."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The
ending
is so tender and demonstrates how far the poet has traveled in
spirit and
kindness:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"shadows move
away as I
now sing to you."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
emotionally
painful "song" becomes even more so when the reader is
acquainted
with the poet.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Around
Father's Day, this
heart-wrenching poem must have been written with tears.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>This poet seems to
specialize in touching
poems.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Generation Cyborg"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Although
I
have read Leonard's impressive re-write of the essay which he
offered to us after
our June 27 critique session, I will still include here the
comments concerning
the prior draft.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Thanks
for
a very good title and for prompting me to use my dictionary
twice during the
initial reading of this piece.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
once
again admire your use of vocabulary and choice of words.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>On
the
other hand, consider changing the wordy:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It would not have been the first body part
which would
have been replaced."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">with</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Her knee was not her first body part to be
replaced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With such a rewrite, you will also avoid
"It."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
changing the verbal/participle "leaving" to the absolute past
tense
"left her with clenched fists and teary eyes."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Try
some sentence
combining to avoid the pronoun "That" which does not have a
totally
clear antecedent, as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Throughout these weeks of recuperation, ....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Concerning
the conjunction "but," try to avoid conjunctions at the onset of
a
sentence and especially avoid the use of two or more in close
proximity.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"However" or
"nevertheless" may be options, as well as changing to a
dependent
clause beginning with "Although" or "Even though."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "where" to "when" in the
following:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">point when it just does not make sense to
....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>In
the
clause "they can do for us or to us," change the unclear pronoun
"they" to a noun phrase, such as "health professionals."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
rewriting the following sentence to avoid the initial pronoun
"This"
which refers back to a whole passage--not to a noun or noun
phrase.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This moves us to the embattled issue ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The
writer has
achieved a great final paragraph which demonstrates a fine
balance of reality,
humor, and sarcasm.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Additionally,
this
paragraph includes an appropriate level of the writer's own
experience about
his knees, gardening, T'ai Chi practices, and arthritic
shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Thanks for a
superb concluding paragraph.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Overall,
the essay develops well an important topic for our times and our
generation.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I hope that
the writer will
try to have the piece published in one of the periodicals of
AARP.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"The Long-awaited Quest"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Another
fine period piece from this writer shows us that this writer can
work in prose,
as well as poetry to explore his favorite themes and settings.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>One of the strong points of
this piece is the
choice and development of a variety of characters.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Despite
the
higher quality of writing in the great majority of this piece,
the first couple
of sentences need revision for grammar, punctuation, and
clarity.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Place
a
comma after each of the following introductory prepositional
phrases:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At his side,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During the day,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Use sentence combining to avoid the pronoun
"It"
which has no antecedent:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the treacherous five-day crossing of
the desert, ....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Delete the word "Until" at the onset of the
sentence:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Until" cannot
be
transitional because it can only be a preposition or a
subordinating
conjunction (introducing a dependent clause).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
changing the cliche "deafening silence" to merely "silence"
or another phrase.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
intriguing and interesting story was well told, and I can
imagine the writer's
converting this prose piece to a poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Either genre would work well for a piece to submit to a
publisher.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Stay Away from My
Treehouse"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The
good
title of this poem sets the tone and stage for a well-written
poem on a fresh
topic.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
taking the participial phrase "wearing a body cast from head to
toe,"
and moving the phrase to either before or after the pronoun
"you"
which the participial phrase modifies.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Including
a
timely detail like "Dora the Explorer" adds to the quality of
this
poem which balances well the reality of injury and law suit with
humor and
sarcasm.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
suggest a
period and stanza break after "no longer enjoy my own back
yard."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>What
a fine
summer poem!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The
combination of fun and
serious elements coupled with a fresh and innovative approach to
the topic make
this poem an enjoyable read which I imagine the poet will have
published in a
periodical or her next collection.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>All
good poems have a good ending, and this poem does.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Thanks
for
the variety of pieces and the quality of the work shared on June
27!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I will look forward
to our July 25 session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Enjoy July!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">July 10, 2017, Monday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
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