[Critique Group 1] Sally's March comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

Sally's March comments:

Leonard:  Good description of miserable weather and then the comfort of
solitude in nature.  Can something be "bitterly chilly?"  Chilly is a bit
warmer than cold, so can it really be bitter?  Perhaps "cold" would be a
better choice, even if it is a somewhat common phrase.  I am not certain the
line beginning "Sometimes" works as you mean it to work.  It sounds as
though all three forms of precipitation are happening at the same time.  The
period at the end of the same sentence should be changed to a comma since
the next line beginning "Then" is just a phrase and not a sentence.  What is
"protected contentment?"  The ending is wonderful!

DeAnna:  There should be a hyphen between "cafeteria" and "style."  "Bus boy
"  should be "busboy."  The comment "At your service, Miss"  needs to be set
off somehow.  Perhaps beginning a new sentence and saying that he said it
would work.  I initially wondered about the phrase "life journey," but I
decided I liked it.  Delete "with" after "helping."  Your roommate seems to
have taken advantage of your kind nature unless she was really elderly and
frail.  There shouldn't be a period after "truck"; it should be a comma and
lead into the following word.  The sentence about becoming separated  has
"got" in it twice and needs to be tightened up a little.  There should be a
hyphen between "generous
" and "minded."  I really like the tone of this piece.  You are an example
of generosity and kindness, and others return it.  You show how we as blind
people do need some help and how to ask for it without expecting people to
do it all for us.It should be "Flynn and me" instead of "Flynn and I."

Cleora:  The pasted copy was messed up, and I had trouble opening the
attachment. I really liked this piece, but I think it should be tightened up
a bit and made shorter - just as you wanted the ride to be.  I got confused
at times on the ride and in the medical building when both office doors were
locked.  I liked the timetable you keep mentioning; it shows how frustrated
you are - along with the derogatory names for the caregiver.  The irony is
that she is anything BUT a caregiver.  Parts of this story gave me the
creeps, such as the debit card manipulation and the mention of the blue car.
It shows how vulnerable you feel and are in certain situations.  Very well
done!

Marcia: This is cogent and timely.  Love the Rip vanWinkle comment!        

 

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