[Critique Group 1] July 26 2023 critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

Marcia,

In Defense of Pedestrians

This would make an excellent article or letter to the editor for your local
paper. It might also work as a submission to any of the blindness specific
magazines such as the E-forum. It is well crafted, and I couldn't see any
areas that might be improved. The only jarring note came when you used the
acronym EV for electric vehicle. I am not used to seeing those capitalized
letters and had a momentary pause to figure out what you meant.

 

Cleora,

Undone

Your first sentence uses time twice. Perhaps, change the first instance to
read: Cleatta arrived at the hotel early so she would have time to explore
and become familiar with the territory.

You need a right quotation mark after yes, "Yes, said Cleatta.

"I used to have a card with a dolphin on it years ago. It was stolen.

This needs a closing quotation mark also.

weekly. Should be spelled weakly. The word with two E's means every week.

A burglar doesn't need a capital a.

I didn't have any money. Only the card. Should be written as one sentence
with a commaafter money instead of the period and with no capital letter for
only.

Interesting turn of events. I am not sure though that having someone who
knows Audrey involved in stealing credit card numbers really works. I think
you could take the story in a different direction if the card mysteriously
appears on Jason's desk and the word Infected appears on his computer screen
after he uses the card to make some phony online purchases and moves the
money by transferring the funds into a different account. He could be
puzzled at the word infected appearing on his screen and be startled when he
turns around to see a white cane standing in the corner of his office. You
could still have Audrey tell Cleatta that she had a card with a dolphin on
it once and what happened to it in the bar.  I think it would be more likely
for the maid to use a scanner device to copy the info off Cleatta's card.
She could then send it on to her partner without doing anything with it
herself but receive a fee in her account from Jason. That would constitute
in some blurring of her vision for her part, but Jason, the credit card
buyer would be the one infected because he used the card. The money he sent
her account might just disappear from the maid's account once he did use it.
If he subsequently sold the number on the dark net, the infection could
spread and the card could be on its way to continue bringing carmic
punishment to other thieves around the world. You have already made it
possible for the card to keep haunting the original thief by reappearing
until it gets stolen again. 

 

Leonard,

Barny's Waning

You used the word large twice in the following sentence: His sire must have
been a large dog, because Barny is twice as large  as his mother. Try
cutting out (as large as) and substitute the size of his mother. After the
word twice.

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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