[Critique Group 1] Sally's July comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

Sally's July comments:

Marcia:  Well done!  This article presents important information in a
reasonable way and offers realistic management of many problems.  Is this an
op-ed piece for a local paper?Just some thoughts:  "four-legged guide dog"
needs to be changed to just "guide dog."  All working guide dogs have four
legs.  I wonder about adding the parts about overhanging tree limbs and the
safety of wheelchair users at the end.  The article begins with a focus on
electric vehicles, but, then I went back and read the title and everything
seemed to fit.

DeAnna: As a non-Braille user, I learned a lot from this piece.  There isn't
anything I would change.  I especially liked the depictions of your
grandfather teaching you to read.

Leonard: The title is perfect.  Reading this piece brought me to tears.  You
have walked a fine line here between honest love and sentimentality very
well, given the fact that this topic could have come across as maudlin.  You
paint a good picture of Barney then and now and show in detail how much his
life has changed.  It is especially poignant to realize that you and Barny
are both elderly, and there is an underlying, unspoken comparison between
man and dog.  The ending is rather abrupt; perhaps tying up some of the
emotions succinctly would make a better last sentence.

Cleora: The plot thickens.  You use the word "time" twice in the first
sentence.  Perhaps you need to specify what conference Cleta is attending;
we know, but other readers might not.  I am not clear how the housekeeping
staff member recognized the card and its significance enough to take
pictures and report it.  Cleta is faced with a conundrum at the restaurant.
The ending is a good cliff-hanger.    

 

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