[Critique Group 1] Sally's February comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

Sally's February comments:

DeAnna:  Yes, some weeks are better than others, and I really like your idea
of having a "musings" file.  The term "blueprint for living" is a good
choice.  I wonder if the two segments should be in the same poem or personal
essay.  The part about making the world a better place in small ways each
day harkens back to a thread that runs through much of your writing, but the
jump to the second section about taking opportunities for new experiences
seems to be an idea on its own.  Just my opinion.

Leonard:  I like the title.  There should be a comma after "Yet" in the
second line.  I am a little confused about why the jonquils think winter is
over and are pushing up through ice and sleet.  Does the ice and sleet
follow a warm spell?  Good adjective "pert" to describe a crocous.  Should
there be an "a" before "harbinger or should it be plural?  Clever word play
about the blue jays boning up on calcium.  The section beginning "Blue jays"
and following through to the period is not a complete sentence. Is "bray"
the verb you want to use for the geese?  I thought it was the sound donkeys
make.  What about "honk" instead?  I like the description "hoary fiendish"
Good job!

Marcia: I like the way this chapter moves the story along.  I get confused
by the different names for the same person - "Veronica" and "Ronnie", "hank"
and 
"officer Brown", and "Hamilton" for someone called "Michelle.  How did
Claudia and Veronica manage to come out of that fight with no broken bones?
You write that Veronica was "sitting Indian style."  I think "cross- legged:
would be more appropriate. I am wondering more and more why Veronica is so
certain Claudia will get her job;  Claudia doesn't have the experience.  Is
Veronica simply used to getting everything she wants? "Two cats in the yard"
is another way of pointing out the time this takes place ; I can hear Graham
Nash singing even now.

Cleora:  I didn't find a poem in either of your emails and will try to
contact you before the call. 

Sally's February comments:

DeAnna:  Yes, some weeks are better than others, and I really like your idea
of having a "musings" file.  The term "blueprint for living" is a good
choice.  I wonder if the two segments should be in the same poem or personal
essay.  The part about making the world a better place in small ways each
day harkens back to a thread that runs through much of your writing, but the
jump to the second section about taking opportunities for new experiences
seems to be an idea on its own.  Just my opinion.

Leonard:  I like the title.  There should be a comma after "Yet" in the
second line.  I am a little confused about why the jonquils think winter is
over and are pushing up through ice and sleet.  Does the ice and sleet
follow a warm spell?  Good adjective "pert" to describe a crocous.  Should
there be an "a" before "harbinger or should it be plural?  Clever word play
about the blue jays boning up on calcium.  The section beginning "Blue jays"
and following through to the period is not a complete sentence. Is "bray"
the verb you want to use for the geese?  I thought it was the sound donkeys
make.  What about "honk" instead?  I like the description "hoary fiendish"
Good job!

Marcia: I like the way this chapter moves the story along.  I get confused
by the different names for the same person - "Veronica" and "Ronnie", "hank"
and 
"officer Brown", and "Hamilton" for someone called "Michelle.  How did
Claudia and Veronica manage to come out of that fight with no broken bones?
You write that Veronica was "sitting Indian style."  I think "cross- legged:
would be more appropriate. I am wondering more and more why Veronica is so
certain Claudia will get her job;  Claudia doesn't have the experience.  Is
Veronica simply used to getting everything she wants? "Two cats in the yard"
is another way of pointing out the time this takes place ; I can hear Graham
Nash singing even now.

Cleora:  I didn't find a poem in either of your emails and will try to
contact you before the call. 

 

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