[Critique Group 1] Marcia's April notes

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

Help Still Needed

 

Title:  Help Still Needed

try:  Help Still Wanted

 

overall, this piece is much tighter, informs reader, not a rant

 

punctuation, more concise topic sentence:  A while back I wrote a guideline
intended to help readers select a good Home Care agency. Things are changing
rapidly, and it is more difficult than ever to find a good agency with
qualified caring people.

try:  Not long ago, I offered some guidelines to help readers select a
reliable Home Care agency. The industry is changing so rapidly, it's more
difficult than ever for agencies to find qualified caring employees.

 

reword:  1. It still holds true to check the required experience. 

try:  1. Experience is still required.

 

spelling:  develope a relationship

try:  develop a relationship

 

more direct (2nd item?):  It is also still important to let the agency know
specifically the kind of help you need. 

try:  Let the agency know the specific kind of help you need. 

 

question mark, not period:  Does the agency file Long Term Care claims. 

How long has the agency been in business.

 

Style for presenting acronyms first time: Long Term Care (LTC); Activities
of Daily Living (ADL) etc.

 

Sally:

Greta

 

Too many "and":  with wagging tail and self-possession

born of charm and golden beauty,

she walked into my home and heart

and, with alacrity and joy,

try:  tail wagging with self-possession

born of charm and golden beauty,

she walked into my home and heart

bringing alacrity and joy,

 

 

Deanna:

                Title:  When Words Are Hard to Find

Try:  When Words are Few

 

Reword without pronoun:  She reached to cup the girl's dear face.

She said, "Beautiful."

Try:  She reached to cup the girl's dear face

And said, "Beautiful."

 

Stronger?:  She reached for their hands clasping them

together between her old ones.

She said, "I love you."

Try:  She clasped their hands together 

between her old knowing ones

and said, "I love you."

 

Reword:  She let them know she understood

And blessed their marriage.

Try:  With those few words, they understood

She had blessed their marriage.

 

 

Leonard:

What to Do

 

Title:  What to Do

Try:  The Devil's Conundrum

 

Comma, not period:  This conundrum distressed me ceaselessly,

For it seemed.

 

Word choice:  enfeebled/weakened

Assume you were younger, implies age

Try confused

 

Insoluble: can't dissolve in liquid

Try insurmountable, unsolvable

 

Reword "thought" of the mind, not the heart:  My thought to court my young
paramour 

Try:  My desire to court my young paramour 

 

More expressive:  I wrestled with it day and evil night. 

Try:  I wrestled endless day and evil night. 

 

Reversal?:  The question hit me like a ton of lights, 

Try:  The answer hit me like a ton of lights, 

 

Ton of lights.light is weightless

Try:  dazzling light

 

 

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20230428/a2e56de6/attachment.htm>