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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Help Still Needed<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: Help Still Needed<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: Help Still Wanted<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>overall, this piece is much tighter, informs reader, not a rant<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>punctuation, more concise topic sentence: A while back I wrote a guideline intended to help readers select a good Home Care agency. Things are changing rapidly, and it is more difficult than ever to find a good agency with qualified caring people.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: Not long ago, I offered some guidelines to help readers select a reliable Home Care agency. The industry is changing so rapidly, it’s more difficult than ever for agencies to find qualified caring employees.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>reword: 1. It still holds true to check the required experience. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: 1. Experience is still required.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>spelling: develope a relationship<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: develop a relationship<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>more direct (2nd item?): It is also still important to let the agency know specifically the kind of help you need. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: Let the agency know the specific kind of help you need. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>question mark, not period: Does the agency file Long Term Care claims. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>How long has the agency been in business.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Style for presenting acronyms first time: Long Term Care (LTC); Activities of Daily Living (ADL) etc.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Greta<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many “and”: with wagging tail and self-possession<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>born of charm and golden beauty,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>she walked into my home and heart<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>and, with alacrity and joy,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: tail wagging with self-possession<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>born of charm and golden beauty,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>she walked into my home and heart<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>bringing alacrity and joy,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> <span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Title: </span>When Words Are Hard to Find<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Try: When Words are Few<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Reword without pronoun: </span>She reached to cup the girl’s dear face.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She said, “Beautiful.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Try: </span>She reached to cup the girl’s dear face<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And said, “Beautiful.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Stronger?: She reached for their hands clasping them<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>together between her old ones.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She said, “I love you.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She clasped their hands together <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>between her old knowing ones<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>and said, “I love you.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: She let them know she understood<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And blessed their marriage.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: With those few words, they understood<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She had blessed their marriage.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>What to Do<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: What to Do<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The Devil’s Conundrum<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Comma, not period: <span style='color:black'>This conundrum distressed me ceaselessly,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>For it seemed…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice: enfeebled/weakened<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Assume you were younger, implies age<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try confused<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insoluble: can’t dissolve in liquid<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try insurmountable, unsolvable<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword “thought” of the mind, not the heart: <span style='color:black'>My thought to court my young paramour <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>My desire to court my young paramour <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>More expressive: <span style='color:black'>I wrestled with it day and evil night. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>I wrestled endless day and evil night. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reversal?: <span style='color:black'>The question hit me like a ton of lights, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>The answer hit me like a ton of lights, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Ton of lights…light is weightless<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: dazzling light<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>