[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Cleora's piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Except for some minor questions below, this is good. 



I think you should adjust your computer to have a greaterspace between paragraphs. 



It would help to clarify things. 



I like the way you work in little errors on  Misty’s part. 



It makes it easier to relate to her. 



She’s constantly belittleing herself for mistakes anyone would make. 



She does  need to be alittle more self-forgiving.




 


969 words



chapter 5



Frowning, Misty shook her head and looked at the top page ofthe tablet. The first name now had a smiling faery face beside it. She smiled.That task had gone well. The second name was Gary Plumb. The next name readMrs. Grace Carper. Misty guessed Ginger agreed with her there was nothing shecould do for the boy. 



She put her index finger beside her nose, and flipped.



Instantly, she was transported to an office. An elderlywoman sat in the chair in front of a desk with A sparsely decorated Christmastree standing on a white tree skirt on the upper left corner. There were nopresents under the tree. The woman was looking at a picture in an album. Hercheeks were moist with tears. Misty looked over the woman's shoulder at thepicture and gasped. The picture was of a younger version of the boy at thehome. A sheet of stationary lay on the desk. It read, “We won't be able to comethis Christmas, Mom. Have a Merry Christmas. We love you.”



The stationary looked familiar. The name printed at the topwas Trents, Jack, Sarah, and Jason. What was going on, Misty wondered. 



She lifted the first page and asked, “what do I do now?” Thepage remained blank.



She looked again at the top page. The boy's name was GaryPlumb. So, Grace must be his maternal grandmother. She looked at the letteragain. It was signed Sarah Trent. Maybe she was mistaken. She looked at thepicture again. It looked very much like the boy she had seen at the home, andthe stationary looked the same. Too bad she hadn't bothered to notice what namewas printed on the boy's letter.



She had a thought. She looked at the second name and did thefinger thing. The boy was sitting on the bed with his back against theheadboard. The tray of food hadn't been touched. The letter lay on the floor.It had been signed Mom, but the printed name on the stationery was The Trents,Jack, Sarah, and Jason. It had to be the same family. The nurse had called theboy Gary, if it is 




 


Wen she flicked her finger to see the boy , 



was it just the picture that was changed, 



or was she actually transported to where the boy was?




 


the same family, why isn't Gary’s name on the stationery?The more Misty learned , the more confused she became.



She did the finger thing to go back to the old lady'soffice. 




 


Was she  actually  back in the room with the woman, or looking at a picture?




 



 


Now, there was a middle aged woman in a nurse's uniform inthe room with Mrs. Carper.



“You go ahead,” Mrs. Carper was saying. “Have a niceChristmas.”



Is your family coming later? asked the nurse.



“No.” Mrs. Carper nodded at the letter on the desk.



The nurse glanced at it briefly. “Oh,” she said. “I'm sorry.Is there anything I can do for you before I go? My husband is out of town onbusiness. I could stay with you if you like.”



Misty felt desperate. Here were three lonely people about tospend Christmas alone. What could she do to get them to spend it together?Misty concentrated on the picture in the album. The page fluttered. 



“Is that your grandson?” asked the nurse.



“Yes.” 



“The resemblance is remarkable. There's a boy that has justbeen checked into the home where I work parttime. He looks enough like yourgrandson to be him. But, his name is Plumb, I believe.”



“Gary Plumb?”



“Yes, I believe it is.”



“My daughter recently remarried. But, I don't understand, whyis Gary in the home?”



“I don't know all the details,” said the nurse. “He was justchecked in a couple of weeks ago.”



“What is the home? Do you know the number?”



The nurse dialed the number from her iPhone, and handed itto Mrs. Carper.



“Do you have a Gary Plumb there?”



“Who's calling please?” asked the receptionist.



“Mrs. Carper. He's my grandson.”



There was a pause, “I'm sorry, your name is not on theapproved list.”



Mrs. Carper argued with the receptionist for severalminutes, but got nowhere. They would give her no information about a residentunless the person was on the approved list.



“Let me get clocked out, and if you would like, I can takeyou over there. I hate for you to spend Christmas alone.”



Misty was back at the home when the nurse and Mrs. Carperarrived. “We're here to see Gary Plumb,” they announced to the nurse at thedesk.




 


For clarification, 



I think you should say which one said they were there to see Garry.




 


She turned to her computer and called up the records forGary Plumb. “Your name is not on the approved list.”



Misty concentrated on the computer. The name Carter, Graceappeared at the bottom of the list. 



“I must be on the list,” insisted Mrs. Carper. “Could youcheck again?? Grace Carper.”



The nurse looked. “There is a Grace Carter, here. But, noGrace Carper.”



“That's me, of course, it's just misspelled.”



Misty stomped her foot. She was such a dolt. She couldn't doanything right. She concentrated on the screen again and changed the name toCarper, Grace. 



After several minutes of argument, the nurse turned back tothe computer and pointed at the name. “It is grace Carter...” She paused withher mouth half open. “Oh, I'm so sorry. I seem to have misread it. It is GraceCarper. You may go on up.”



The three went down to the dining room and had a very niceChristmas dinner and visit. It turned out the step-father Trent had been aperfect gentleman until after the marriage, then he changed. He declared hewasn't going to have any halfwit sickling for a son and made his mother put himin the home. Jason was his son by a former marriage. Gary was sure hisstep-father was abusing his mother. Mrs. Carper determined to find out forsure.



 



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