[Critique Group 1] Marcia's May comments

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora

 

Typo?:  a smiling faery face beside it

Try:  a smiling fairy face beside it

 

"smiled" 2X, also clarify:  She smiled. That task had gone well.

Try:  She grinned. That meant the first task had gone well.

 

Reword:  The second name was Gary Plumb.

Try:  The second name on her list was Gary Plumb.

 

Reverse sentences:  The next name read Mrs. Grace Carper. Misty guessed
Ginger agreed with her there was nothing she could do for the boy.

Try:  Misty guessed Ginger agreed with her there was nothing she could do
for the boy. The third name read Mrs. Grace Carper.

 

Plural:  The name printed at the top was Trents, Jack, Sarah, and Jason.

Try:  The names printed at the top were Trents, Jack, Sarah, and Jason.

 

Internal thoughts with and without quote marks:  What was going on, Misty
wondered. She lifted the first page and asked, "what do I do now?"

Try:  Misty wondered what was going on. She lifted the first page and asked
herself, what do I do now?

 

Repetition:  She looked again at the top page.

She looked at the letter again.

She looked at the picture again.

It looked very much like the boy she had seen at the home,

the stationary looked the same.

She looked at the second name (on her list) and did the finger thing.

 

Reword:  the printed name on the stationery was The Trents, Jack, Sarah, and
Jason.

Try:  the printed names on the stationery were Trents, Jack, Sarah, and
Jason.

 

Punctuation:  The nurse had called the boy Gary, if it is the same family,
why isn't Gary's name on the stationery?

Try:  The nurse had called the boy Gary, but if it was from the same family,
why wasn't Gary's name on the stationery?

 

Hyphenate:  a middle aged woman in a nurse's uniform

Try:  a middle-aged woman in a nurse's uniform

 

Need quote marks:  Is your family coming later? asked the nurse.

Try:  "Is your family coming later?" asked the nurse.

 

Need new paragraph for each speaker.

 

 

Deanna

 

Insert comma:  Watching our furred and feathered relatives,

 

Buffaloes or sheds:  buffalo shed tears at the loss of a calf.

 

Period or semicolon, not comma:  Each one of our brothers and sisters 

are precious members of the family,

all have unique gifts

that fit them for their place in the dance of life. 

 

Delete period:  so that our Mother's children might live.

for seven generations into tomorrow.

Try:  so that our Mother's children might live

for seven generations into tomorrow.

 

People instead of us:  for bear, deer, buffalo and us when we have gone. 

Try:  for bear, deer, buffalo and people when we have gone. 

 

 

Leonard

 

Use dash to set up group, use commas for list in group:  the noise of leaf
blowers fills my head --

lawn mowers and their awful bedlam --

tree saws and their abrading, grinding roar --

traffic and its calamitous clamor --

construction with its cacophony --

unsuspected horn toots and tire squeals. 

Try:  the noise of leaf blowers fills my head --

lawn mowers and their awful bedlam, 

tree saws and their abrading grinding roar, 

traffic and its calamitous clamor,

construction with its cacophony,

unsuspected horn toots and tire squeals. 

 

Same thing:  you can still hear sounds of the neighborhood --

people talking, laughing, living their lives --

children playing, learning the games of life --

geese honking as they fly high overhead. 

Try:  you can still hear sounds of the neighborhood --

people talking, laughing, living their lives,

children playing, learning the games of life,

geese honking as they fly high overhead. 

 

 

Sally

 

Title not reflected in poem

 

Move comma:  we  gather in a nursing home room,

as we play our human and canine parts

try:  we  gather in a nursing home room

as we play our human and canine parts,

 

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