[Critique Group 1] Marcia's July comments

[Marcia Wick]

Sally:

 

Consider for title:  The Idleness of Illness

 

Invert:   The idleness of illness

envelopes my aging body,

try:  Recovery 

envelopes my aging body,

 

reword:  cushioning its frailty

try:  cushioning my frailty

 

delete “and,” stronger:  to match my slow and steady breathing.

Try:  to match my slow steady breathing.

 

 

Deanna:

 

Title cliché

 

Question:  What character traits make this dog unique in their approach to
navigating along crowded streets filled with traffic, other pedestrians,
sidewalk furniture, broken pavement and obstacles in our path.

 

Wordy “achieve” 2X:  Each time I have made this journey, I have learned new
techniques to achieve the desired outcome of forging the necessary bonds to
achieve the synergy that is a well-functioning team. 

Try:  Each time I have made this journey, I have learned new techniques to
forge the bonds necessary to achieve synergy as a well-functioning team. 

 

Reword:  Time is short and we race through new challenges and experiences
designed to prepare us to be on our own.

Try:  Time is short as we race through new challenges and experiences
designed to prepare us to be on our own.

Or

Time is short. We race through new challenges and experiences designed to
prepare us to be on our own.

 

Reword:  He has red-gold ears and muzzle which accent his amber eyes.

Try:  He has a red-gold muzzle and matching ears which accent his amber
eyes.

Or

He has red-gold ears and a matching muzzle which accent his amber eyes.

 

Use comma, not colon:  Flynn’s exuberance seems to say: “Oh goody,

Try:  Flynn’s exuberance seems to say, “Oh goody,

 

Confusing:  take me away from this gruff trainer
then you talk about puppy
raiser, then trainer

 

Present tense?:  One of the things I loved was his unique way of expressing
his enjoyment when he thought he was doing a good job.

Try:  One of the things I love is his unique way of expressing his enjoyment
when he thinks he is doing a good job.

 

 

Leonard:

 

Title:  The Soul of a Violin

 

Insert “yet”:  He had not made a name for himself,

Try:  He had not yet made a name for himself,

 

Avoid “being”:  he had reached  a level of mastery that was close to being
as good as anybody’s in the world  by the time he started to make me.  

Try:  he had reached  an unmatched level of mastery in the world  by the
time he started to craft me.  

 

Avoid “one”:  I knew I would have one, before I was fully formed.

Try:  I knew I would have a soul, even before I was fully formed.

 

Tense:  That’s how I know he was a master.

Try:  That’s how I knew he was a master.

 

“seemed” 2X:  God seemed not to have answered his prayer. Myron was
deteriorating rapidly, and it seemed he would die before I was completed.

Try:  God seemed not to have answered his prayer. Myron was deteriorating
rapidly, and it appeared he might die before I was completed.

 

“presence” 2X:  I heard him talking to a presence. It was an evil presence,

Try:  I heard him talking to an invisible spirit. It was an evil presence,

Or

I heard him talking to a presence. It was an evil spirit,

Or

I heard him talking to a presence, an evil presence,

 

Reword:  But you just assure me that you will work on it

Try:  But you must assure me that you will work on it

 

Stronger:  He found them and spent time in making alterations.

Try:  He found them and devoted the time required to make alterations.

 

Finished 3X:  When finished, it was the moment of truth.

Try:  When completed, it was the moment of truth.

 

Stronger:  I was cradled on his shoulder, and I sang.

Try:  Cradled on his shoulder, I sang.

 

 

Cleora:

 

Fairy vs. faerie

The main difference between fairy and faerie is that a fairy is a young,
kind and pure spirit whereas a faerie is a mischievous, evil, and horrid
creature.

 

The fairies are mythical creatures who can be described as small humanoid
creatures with thin, membranous wings and who generally tend to stay away
from

all the humans and the human world. The faeries are mythical creatures who
are like fairies except for their personality which is that they are evil
and

dangerously mischievous creatures.

The words fairy and faerie are used by people in the same sense and is
thought to be just a difference in spelling and nothing much. But there are
several

differences between fairy and faerie. They are both different mythical
spirits.

 

Question:  What difference does it make what I do now.

Try:  What difference does it make what I do now?

 

Insert comma:  Breathing a sigh of relief she joined the others.

Try:  Breathing a sigh of relief, she joined the others.

 

Use of parents’ first names?:  :  “I’m sorry,” said John.

Alice?:  said Alice.

 

Who, not that:  Two girls that are almost grown

Try:  Two girls who are almost grown

 

reword:  Misty reached the hall in time to see her father head down and
slump shouldered, come out of the bathroom and go down the hall into the
guestroom instead of their parents’ bedroom.

Try:  Misty reached the hall in time to see her father exit the bathroom,
slump shouldered, and retreat into the guestroom instead of their parents’
bedroom.

 

Reword:  Straight ahead was their tree.

Try:  She staired at their tree.

 

Spelling:  the ventage model airplane,

Try:  the vintage model airplane,

 

How did she know what the wrapped presents were?: incomplete sentences:
There was a small flat package with a computer game, the box with the
ventage model airplane, and a book on writing fiction for Connie. A shoe box
containing a wallet with a scan shield from her & Connie, and whatever her
Mom got for their Dad. A big box that probably came from a department store
that might contain a new ski jacket, and two other packages she had no clue
what might be had her name on them.

Try:  The small flat package might hold a computer game, and a box likely
hid the vintage model airplane


 

Reword:  The whole thing made her sad. She no longer cared what was there.
She wished she could just erase Christmas and skip straight to New Years.
‘Is something like this why Grandmother Conner doesn’t like to exchange
gifts?’ she wondered.

Try:  The whole idea made her sad. She no longer cared about sharing
presents. She wished she could erase Christmas and skip straight to New
Years. She understood why Grandmother Conner didn’t like to exchange gifts.

 

 

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