[Critique Group 1] Marcia's February notes

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna

My Brothers and Sisters Are Dying

 

Emotional piece

 

Tense?:  Today I cried for the manatee and the polar bear.

Try:  Today I cry for the manatee and the polar bear.

 

how clever we are

try:  how clever we were

 

not a semicolon:  proud of how clever we were; 

Inventing machines

That polluted air,

Ignoring the damage of our greed.

Try:  proud of how clever we are, 

Inventing machines

That pollute air,

Ignoring the damage of our greed.

 

Great line:  Such clever monkeys,

 

Delete comma:  If we don't use our cleverness to undo the damage,

our foolishness caused,

we'll die together.

Try:  If we don't use our cleverness to undo the damage

our foolishness caused,

we'll die together.

 

 

Cleora

Chapter Two

 

Insert space:  "When you want todo something,

Try:  "When you want to do something,

 

flippedit gently

flipped it gently

beganto

began to

besideher

beside her

Hereis

Here is

Placedher

Placed her

Dinnerwith

Dinner with

Nothinghappened.

Nothing happened.

Gazinginto

Gazing into

There's more.must be a technical glitch

 

delete comma:  Some leaves on the ground beside Misty, rose into the air

try:  Some leaves on the ground beside Misty rose into the air

 

typo and space:  the faery flipped over andover in the air.

Try:  the fairy flipped over and over in the air.

 

Delete blank line, Combine quote:  "No!"

 

"The other thing you need to know is about transport. Hereis the list of
names and the locations."

Try:  "No! The other thing you need to know is about transport. Here is the
list of names and the locations."

 

Nice analogy:  like a bulb popping out,

Consider Deleting "out":  like a light bulb popping,

 

Insert comma:  and asked "How do I get something to eat?"

Try:  and asked, "How do I get something to eat?"

 

Simplify:  She snorted in frustration and looked up and straight ahead
gazinginto the darkness.

Try:  She snorted in frustration and gazed into the darkness.

 

"say overuse, rework:  

"This is very difficult for me to say," a man was saying."So, I'm just going
to come out and say it.

 

 

Sally

No title

Bittersweet

 

"drained" conjures emptied:  and drained by an unknown infection

Try:  and weakened by an unknown infection

Or

His strength drained by.

 

Delete comma:  before this frigid, bleak day ends,

Try:  before this frigid bleak day ends,

Or

before this bleak frigid day ends,

 

 

Leonard

Cold Little Bird

 

Rosy vs. Rosey (proper name?)

 

Rearrange?:  From the distant northwest, a rosy finch 

and recent settler to milder Virginia. 

Try:  From the distant northwest a recent settler 

to milder Virginia, a rosy finch. 

 

Preposition:  The temperature is down to the teens.

Try:  The temperature is down in the teens.

Or

The temperature has dropped to the teens.

 

Our, we,  or her:  our transparent door

Try:  her transparent door

She let it go

 

Plural, not possessive:  six Rosey's perched

Try:  six Roseys perched

 

Closing quote marks:  "Thank you for your kindness.

Try:  "Thank you for your kindness."

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20220225/fb4f6eeb/attachment.html>