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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>My Brothers and Sisters Are Dying<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Emotional piece<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense?: Today I cried for the manatee and the polar bear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Today I cry for the manatee and the polar bear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>how clever we are<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: how clever we were<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>not a semicolon: proud of how clever we were; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Inventing machines<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>That polluted air,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Ignoring the damage of our greed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: proud of how clever we are, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Inventing machines<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>That pollute air,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Ignoring the damage of our greed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Great line: Such clever monkeys,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: If we don’t use our cleverness to undo the damage,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>our foolishness caused,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>we’ll die together.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: If we don’t use our cleverness to undo the damage<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>our foolishness caused,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>we’ll die together.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Chapter Two<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Insert space: “When you want todo something,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “When you want to do something,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>flippedit gently<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>flipped it gently<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>beganto<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>began to<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>besideher<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>beside her<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Hereis<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Here is<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Placedher<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Placed her<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Dinnerwith<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Dinner with<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Nothinghappened.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Nothing happened.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Gazinginto<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Gazing into<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>There’s more…must be a technical glitch<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>delete comma: Some leaves on the ground beside Misty, rose into the air<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: Some leaves on the ground beside Misty rose into the air<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>typo and space: the faery flipped over andover in the air.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: the fairy flipped over and over in the air.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete blank line, Combine quote: “No!”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText> <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“The other thing you need to know is about transport. Hereis the list of names and the locations.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “No! The other thing you need to know is about transport. Here is the list of names and the locations.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice analogy: like a bulb popping out,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider Deleting “out”: like a light bulb popping,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: and asked “How do I get something to eat?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: and asked, “How do I get something to eat?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify: She snorted in frustration and looked up and straight ahead gazinginto the darkness.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She snorted in frustration and gazed into the darkness.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“say overuse, rework: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“This is very difficult for me to say,” a man was saying.“So, I'm just going to come out and say it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>No title<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Bittersweet<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“drained” conjures emptied: and drained by an unknown infection<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: and weakened by an unknown infection<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>His strength drained by…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: before this frigid, bleak day ends,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: before this frigid bleak day ends,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>before this bleak frigid day ends,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cold Little Bird<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Rosy vs. Rosey (proper name?)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Rearrange?: <span style='color:black'>From the distant northwest, a rosy finch <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>and recent settler to milder Virginia. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>From the distant northwest a recent settler <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>to milder Virginia, a rosy finch. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Preposition: <span style='color:black'>The temperature is down to the teens.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>The temperature is down in the teens.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>The temperature has dropped to the teens.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Our, we, or her: <span style='color:black'>our transparent door<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: her transparent door<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>She let it go<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Plural, not possessive: six Rosey’s perched<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: six Roseys perched<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Closing quote marks: <span style='color:black'>“Thank you for your kindness.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>“Thank you for your kindness.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>