[Critique Group 1] Marcia's December notes

[Marcia Wick]

My apologies for missing our meeting. Perhaps Leonard shared my computer
woes with you. Also, I gifted myself with a swim spa thanks to my
inheritance and was consumed with its delivery and set-up etc. Also, my
grandson is visiting - was supposed to be after New Years but the date
changed and I totally lost track of time.wasn't prepared.thanks for
understanding!!! Happy New Year to everyone.

 

Deanna Scarlet Ribbons

 

You continue to develop this tale and touch our hearts.

 

First sentence not complete, use comma instead of first period:  

Many years ago, when I was a kitten living my first life. My mother resided
in an alley behind a dumpster.

Try:  Many years ago, when I was a kitten living my first life, my mother
resided in an alley behind a dumpster.

 

Capitalize mother like a name:  mother told me it was time

Try:  mother told me it was time

(if you wrote my mother, it would not require a capital "M"

 

Requires hyphen:  hard pressed

Try:  hard-pressed

 

next to the rickety steps of a small rundown house

try:  run-down

Rundown versus run down versus run-down

https://kddidit.com/2014/01/13/word-confusion-run_down-vs-run-down-vs-rundow
n/

 

delete comma:  a small rundown house near the edge of town

Try:  a small rundown house near the edge of town 

 

Insert comma:  Even though I was crouched and kept very still she spotted
me.

Try:  Even though I was crouched and kept very still, she spotted me.

 

Insert comma:  You look cold and hungry KitKat.

Try:  You look cold and hungry, KitKat.

 

Capitalize mama:  "Look mama,

Try:  "Look mama,

"my mama doesn't require capital "M"

 

Use hypen:  Her work worn hand

Try:  Her work-worn hand

 

Insert comma:  Only Tasha, queen of cats might be able to help.

Try:  Only Tasha, queen of cats, might be able to help.

 

Insert comma:  Nearing the end of my 8th life I have no regrets.

Try:  Nearing the end of my 8th life, I have no regrets.

 

 

Cleora Dusty's Christmas Wish

 

This is sweet and clever.

 

My comments have to do with cadence - and I'm not sure how Dusty dropped
down the chimney. Here's a suggested rewrite, rough to give you the idea:

 

twas the night before Christmas

when all through the yard,

not a cat stirred,

not even one dog, 

(or not one dog barked,)

Dusty perched by the chimney 

to keep watch for Santa.

(or to watch out for Santa.)

He chirped and whistled 

he whistled and sang.

but no Santa came.

Dusty dropped from the chimney,

and flew to his cage.

I've been a bad pet

The little bird mourned.

I should have known 

I'd not get my wish.

then the sad bird 

looked in his dish,

and to his delight,

he found a real treat

3 El Paso Nutriberries.

His wish for all 

is that Christmas be merry.

 

 

Sally Tamsin's Prayer

 

Fun to see how this versatile verse works both for Tamsin and Dusty!

 

I like how aquiver and a cold one sound similar yet they are different

 

Sentiment Tugs on my heart

 

 

Leonard Where Did That Word Go

 

You captured a familiar frustration

 

Reminds me of "I dropped my poor meatball, it rolled off the table, and onto
the floor."

 

Example of how a comma could change the meaning:  More and more familiar
words slip away. 

Or

More and more, familiar words slip away. 

(meaning - more and more words slip away versus more and more often, words
slip away)

 

Like this analogy:  Somewhere in time they will come back to rest, 

like wayward birds returning to nest. 

 

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