[Critique Group 1] Leonards comments on Cleora's submission

[Leonard Tuchyner]

On the whole I think this is well written.  

I was a little confused as to Connie’s fate in all this. 

Why did her father want to see if he could get an apartmentat the place where I thought she wasgoing to stay.  

Anyway, good story.  

Good solution. 

By the time the parents decide if they can save themarriage, 

the girls would be in school. 

At least Misty would. 

 

Cleora sub for Aug. 22

 

 

this is the last chapter.

this is a milestone for me. I now have a first draft of abook.

sort of. it is long enough to be a long short story or ashort novelet

so, here goes. I have attached a text document in case theformatting is messed up.

 

1261 words

chapter 8

Misty woke to the smell of fresh coffee, and opened hereyes. The lighted display on her bedside clock read 10:07am. Connie was sittingon her bed across the room watching her.

“Good morning,” said Connie.

“How long have you been watching me?”

“About 30 minutes.”

“I don't smell bacon cooking. Grandma Conner must be here.”

“Yes. Their down stairs talking. I've been trying to listen,but I can only catch a few words.”

Misty picked her cell phone up off the bedside table and sawthat she had one message. “Yes,” the message read. “That will be fine. Goodluck.” Misty smiled. “I guess I better get up, and we should go down.”

“Do you think they'll go along with our plan?”

“Don't know. They're pretty set on Grandmother Conner. Allwe can do is give it a try and see what happens. Either way, in a few days I'llbe 18 and I can do what I want.”

The girls dressed and went down to join the adults in thekitchen.

“Good morning, girls,” said Grandmother Conner. “You're justin time. Peter should be here with our Christmas feast soon.” Just then thedoorbell rang, and Grandmother Conner went to let Peter in. Mom and Dadfollowed and helped bring in the Christmas fixings. They all got plates andhelped themselves to turkey, dressing, sweet potato and green bean casserole.The excellent dinner was topped off with a slice of pumpkin pie ala mode.

 

There is little fanter here. You would expect more conversation under the circumstances.

 

It didn't feel like Christmas to Misty. The meal was thesame as always, but the divorce and uncertainty of their futures hung in theair like a thick fog. No one was talking

 

Aha, I thought so.

 

. Finally it was over. They cleared the table, put thedishes in the dishwasher, and stored the left overs in the refrigerator.

“Okay,” said John. “I guess it's time. Grandmother Connerarrived early and we have talked it all out. Grandmother Conner wants you girlsto have a chance to tell us what you want to do before we tell you what we havedecided.”

So, the girls tell them what they want, and the grownupshave already decided what they are going to do. That’s irritating.

 

Misty took a deep breath and began. “Well, Connie and Italked about it last night. I got a text from my friend Kathy this morning, andshe is okay with us moving in with her.”

“Hold on, young lady,” said John.

“John,” interrupted Grandmother Conner sternly. “You agreedto let the girls have their say.”

John's face showed his annoyance, but he didn't say more.

“Just before the break, Mr. Birdwell, the school counselor,told me I have all my credits, to graduate,” continued Misty. “He can arrangefor me to take my finals now, and I can get my diploma. I can start workingfull time in the school office, and once I have my transcript, I can start tocollege in the Spring. Mr. Birdwell says I have enough duel credits to start asa sophomore at the Junior College. My friend Cathy has a two bedroom apartment.She says Connie and I can have the one she is using for a computer room. Herlease will allow her to upgrade to a three bedroom, so as soon as one isavailable we can move into a bigger apartment. When I'm working full time, I canpay half the rent. That way, Connie can stay in the same school with herfriends.”

“I want to do this,” said Connie. “If I move in withGrandmother Conner, I'll have to transfer to Dunbar, and I'll be clear acrosstown from all my friends. I'll lose my place on the volleyball team andeverything. Dunbar doesn't offer the accelerated program I want.”

“Besides,” said Misty. “You were talking about having ustogether so you could visit. This way we would almost be as close as livinghere.”

“I don't know about you two living together without adultsupervision,” said Alice.

“Well, Kathy is 22 and has been living on her own since shewas 18. Besides, she's older than you were when you had me. I've beenbabysitting Connie when you guys go out since I was 12.”

 

Go out? Is this an error in tense?

 

“Of course, I will be disappointed not to have them with me,but I think the girls have come up with a fine solution. Now, I have a surprisefor both of you.” She handed an envelope to Connie and another to Misty.

Misty opened hers. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes gotbig. She looked up at Grandmother Conner who was smiling back at her. “This,this, I don't know what to say.”

“It's a $15,000 term life insurance policy. I took it out onyou when you were born. It matures when you turn 18. The other is the same kindof policy for Connie. I'm giving it to you for safe keeping.”

Connie was staring in disbelief at the contents of herenvelope. She handed it to Misty who read the letter and gasp. “Oh wow!”

“I sent one of Connie’s short stories to the Academy ofArts. They were very impressed. They have offered to take her as a student.Under the circumstances, I will pay her tuition for the first two years, if shewants to go.”

There was much intense discussion over the next hour. Thefinal decision was that Misty and Connie would move into an apartment withKathy and Connie would wait a few years to accept the admission into theAcademy of Arts.

John would see if he could get a one bedroom apartment inthe same complex as the girls, and he and Alice would try a trial separation toredefine their relationship and see if they could work out their differencesbefore finalizing the divorce.

Grandmother Conner and Peter wished everyone a MerryChristmas and left.

They gathered around the tree, finally, and exchanged theirgifts.

John was thrilled with his new wallet from the girls, and hegot a new shirt from Alice. Connie was delighted with the new computer game,the book on writing, and she couldn't wait to get started putting together themodel plane. Misty was right about her guess that the big package was a new skijacket, Connie had given her bottle of her favorite perfume. Misty opened thegift from her parents and smiled when she saw it was a device to attach to herphone to help keep her from getting lost. “Thanks ,” she said, holding it upfor everyone to see.

They gathered around the table and had leftovers from theChristmas lunch. After dinner, Misty looked with satisfaction at the scene andsaid, "This is our Christmas of new beginnings.”

Connie jumped up and scurried off to her bedroom to startwork on her model plane. John and Alice went to their respective bedrooms.Misty went to her jacket hanging in the hall. She put it on and took thenotepad out of the pocket. All the names had a smiling fairy face in the marginto the left of the name.

Misty slid her finger down the right side of her nose whileconcentrating on a fairy face. Her surroundings began to fade and then shefound herself outside the front door. Ginger hovered in front of her. “I didit,” she said. “I really did do it.”

“Yes, you did,” agreed Ginger. “You did a fine job.”

Misty held out the notepad. “I don't need this anymore,” shesaid. “Thank you for giving me this chance to help others."

I wouldn’t have been so willing to get rid of the ability todo magic..

 

 

“You are welcome,” said Ginger, and she and the notepaddisappeared.

 




 
 
Leonard I. Tuchyner, Author
 
https://www.dldbooks.com/tuchyner/

 
  
 
 

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