[Critique Group 1] Sally's August comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

August comments from Sally

DeAnna:  There are many good points made in this piece, both from personal
experience and from basic rules of guide dog training.  A few aspects,
however, concern me.  For whom is this article written?  At the beginning,
it seems like a personal essay, but, as it ends, the author addresses an
audience "you."  Is this memoir, information, or a combination?  From
personal experience with three dogs from the specialized training program at
Guiding Eyes for the Blind, I would suggest exploring programs that target
people with multiple disabilities, ones who need a slower dog, and people
who need a dog to travel short routes safely.  As blind people of all
abilities age, more schools are coming up with special or individualized
training.  One last thought: you refer to two-year-old Flynn as a "puppy"
which could be misleading to some readers.  Overall, a good look at how we
as handlers change over the years.

Marcia:  When I read this chapter, it struck me as an interlude in the
story, one filled with too many references to the character's wealth and the
grandeur of her surroundings.  Does this chapter tie in with future events
in a way not yet known to the reader?  The cab and hotel costs are a good
reminder of the time period; are they factually accurate?  The "$6.00 a
minutes" would work better as "$6.00 per minute."

Leonard: I love this poem.  It strikes me that a poet finds words being his
enemy; what a conundrum!  In the third line, there is an extra space between
"the" and "further."  The brevity of the second stanza as opposed to the
first stanza is a good contrast between the heightened emotions of anger and
the calm of reconciliation.  In the second stanza, you use the word "gentle"
twice.  Perhaps eliminate it in the last line since healing is inherently
gentle.

Cleora:  Congratulations on reaching the literary finish line!  Do you have
a final word count?  This story could be a young adult novel.  You mention
that the alarm clock says it is 10:07, but the girls go downstairs and
almost immediately have Christmas "dinner."  Eben if you call it "lunch," it
is still very early to have that big meal.  I like the solutions the girls
have come up with and the grandmother's parts in their future, but the story
seems to speed up too much in the last section.  You are tying up loose
ends, but they need to be fleshed out more.  The ending is a bit abrupt.
Could you add a little more to make it happier and tie it in to the
relationship between Misty and Ginger?  Otherwise, good work!  

 

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