[Critique Group 1] Marcia's April comments

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna:

 

My Mother

 

Comments before revision - 

Punctuation?:  They named her Twilight Woman

Slender and graceful

She moved softly when she walked.

Try:  They named her Twilight Woman.

Slender and graceful,

She moved softly when she walked.

 

Move up?:  She was above all, 

The mother of her five children.

 

Pronoun them or us?:  She guided them from the frenzy

Try:  She guided us from the frenzy

 

soothing their hurts.

Try:  soothing our hurts.

 

filled their hearts

try:  filled our hearts

 

she made their world seem safe.

Try:  she made our world seem safe.

 

Comments after revision - 

Punctuation:  She was above all, 

The mother of her five children.

Try:  She was above all 

The mother of five children.

Or

She was, above all, 

The mother of five children.

 

Punctuation:  Like fragrant Jasmin on soft summer nights

She brought comfort soothing their hurts.

filled their days with her love.

Try:  Like fragrant Jasmin on soft summer nights,

She brought comfort - soothing their hurts, 

Filling their days with her love.

 

Leonard:

Rivanna River Song

 

Plural?:  through sultry starlit night,

Try:  through sultry starlit nights,

 

Obscure:  In early summer gloaming,

Try:  In early summer twilight,

 

Capitalize?:  a whippoorwill

Try:  a Whippoorwill

 

Capitalize?:  a mourning dove

 

Comma?:  From hundreds of arboreal seats

Try:  From hundreds of arboreal seats,

 

punctuation:  Sitting on a high rocky bank,

I'm balanced on the bonny brink, 
finding myself in water flow.

I watch my sacred soul slip free.

Try:  Sitting on a high rocky bank,

I'm balanced on the bonny brink.
finding myself in water flow,

I watch my sacred soul slip free.

 

 

Sally:

Meditation

 

Title:  :  A Meditation

Or

An Autumn Garden

Or

Stark Serenity

 

Typo:  primoses

Try:  primroses

 

Delete s:  burst forth in hues of reds,

Try:  burst forth in hues of red,

 

Typo:  the cracling frost

Try:  the crackling frost

 

 

Cleora:

Chapter 4

 

Delete comma and reword:  The room she was in had a vaulted ceiling, and
stained glass windows, but it didn't look like a chapel.

Try:  The room she was in had a vaulted ceiling and stained glass windows,
but it wasn't a chapel.

 

Passive:  There was a piano in the far left corner.

Try:  A piano sat silent in the far left corner.

 

Reword:  she glanced in as she passed each dimly lit room.

Try:  she glanced into each dimly lit room as she passed.

 

Delete comma:  She opened the notepad, and looked at the first page.

Try:  She opened the notepad and looked at the first page.

 

Delete comma:  What is the problem, here?

Try:  What is the problem here?

 

Collective noun, singular verb:  A crowd of people were coming down the
hall.

Try:  A crowd of people was walking down the hall.

 

Unclear:  As she watched, someone would go into a room as the group
progressed.

 

Redundant:  Misty heard other similar plans

Try:  Misty heard similar plans

 

Comma, not period:  Thinking back to the room she first landed in, she
realized. This was a senior facility.

Try:  Thinking back to the room she first landed in, she realized, this was
a senior facility.

 

Question, not period:  What is he doing here.

Try:  What is he doing here?

 

What was he doing there? Perhaps it's a nursing home, not just a senior
home?

 

Too much detail on pink paper takes away from story tension

 

Focus more on her mission and character development, rather than
step-by-step accounting

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