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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>My Mother<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comments before revision – <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation?: They named her Twilight Woman<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Slender and graceful<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She moved softly when she walked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: They named her Twilight Woman.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Slender and graceful,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She moved softly when she walked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Move up?: She was above all, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The mother of her five children.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Pronoun them or us?: She guided them from the frenzy<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She guided us from the frenzy<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>soothing their hurts.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: soothing our hurts.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>filled their hearts<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: filled our hearts<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>she made their world seem safe.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: she made our world seem safe.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comments after revision - <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: She was above all, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The mother of her five children.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She was above all <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The mother of five children.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She was, above all, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The mother of five children.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: Like fragrant Jasmin on soft summer nights<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She brought comfort soothing their hurts.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>filled their days with her love.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Like fragrant Jasmin on soft summer nights,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She brought comfort - soothing their hurts, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Filling their days with her love.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><u><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Rivanna River Song</span></u><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Plural?: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>through sultry starlit night,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: through sultry starlit nights,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Obscure: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>In early summer gloaming,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: In early summer twilight,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Capitalize?: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>a whippoorwill<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: a Whippoorwill<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Capitalize?: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>a mourning dove<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma?: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>From hundreds of arboreal seats<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>From hundreds of arboreal seats,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>punctuation: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Sitting on a high rocky bank,</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I’m balanced on the bonny brink, <br>finding myself in water flow.</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I watch my sacred soul slip free.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Sitting on a high rocky bank,</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I’m balanced on the bonny brink.<br>finding myself in water flow,</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I watch my sacred soul slip free.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Meditation<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: : A Meditation<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>An Autumn Garden<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Stark Serenity<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo: primoses<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: primroses<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete s: burst forth in hues of reds,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: burst forth in hues of red,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo: the cracling frost<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: the crackling frost<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Chapter 4<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma and reword: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>The room she was in had a vaulted ceiling, and stained glass windows, but it didn't look like a chapel.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: The room she was in had a vaulted ceiling and stained glass windows, but it wasn’t a chapel.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Passive: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>There was a piano in the far left corner.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: A piano sat silent in the far left corner.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>she glanced in as she passed each dimly lit room.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: she glanced into each dimly lit room as she passed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Delete comma: She opened the notepad, and looked at the first page.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: She opened the notepad and looked at the first page.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>What is the problem, here?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: What is the problem here?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Collective noun, singular verb: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>A crowd of people were coming down the hall.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: A crowd of people was walking down the hall.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unclear: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>As she watched, someone would go into a room as the group progressed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Misty heard other similar plans<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: Misty heard similar plans<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma, not period: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Thinking back to the room she first landed in, she realized. This was a senior facility.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: Thinking back to the room she first landed in, she realized, this was a senior facility.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Question, not period: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>What is he doing here.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>What is he doing here?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>What was he doing there? Perhaps it’s a nursing home, not just a senior home?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Too much detail on pink paper takes away from story tension</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Focus more on her mission and character development, rather than step-by-step accounting<o:p></o:p></p></div></body></html>