[Critique Group 1] September 2021 critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

Marcia

My breath caught the morning light. Not sure how this would work. Perhaps My
breath caught at the beauty of the morning light.

I liked the character discovery and the connection you built here. It
carries the story well and adds depth to both Claudia and Veronica. Good
conversation and excellent use of detail.

 

Leonard,

There are several places where extra words occur that interfere with the
narrative flow.

A stone (suddenly) punctured the tissue-thin layer of leather that was left
on his right shoe. Try, A stone punctured the tissue-thin layer of leather
on his right shoe. 

He didn't notice a child's skate on the sidewalk (he was walking on.) try
ending this long sentence with a period after sidewalk.

However, all he suffered (from) was a badly bruised left cheek. Perhaps
changing left cheek to left buttock would be less ambiguous. Try, However,
all he suffered was a bruised left buttock.

Drop the word always,

Cleora

Veterans racer? Was the veteran racer the trainer or his horse or were they
both veteran racers? Whichever, it isn't clear if you meant two veterans
race veteran racers, or veteran's race. Also, you left the story unfinished
in that we didn't learn if watching the more experienced rider, his more
experienced horse or both of them taught your horse how to run the barrel
better. Given that each horse differs in how flexible they are, how much
balance they have and even whether they have natural talent to exploit in
this pursuit, it is hard to tell how much can be learned by watching alone.

 

Sally,

I am unsure if you intend both of these for the 

back cover of your book. I think the second and

shorter piece sounds more like an introduction. Perhaps flip the order of
these two. 

 I liked both very much. I am sure your book will

be lovely. How could it fail to be given that your

gift lies in drawing the reader gently in to

each sepia toned 

memory like a journey through time.

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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