[Critique Group 1] Sally's Feb. comments Febr

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's February comments:

Cleora:  A Timely piece.  Who is your audience?  In a few places, you
mention vaccines that work "pretty well."  Delete "pretty."  They work well
or don't work well, and "pretty" doesn't add any scientific data.  Near the
end, you end a sentence with the word "with".Re-work the sentence so that it
doesn't end with a preposition.  The word "you" should be "your" since the
format requires a gerund.  The article ends very abruptly with some drastic
news.  In an article such as this one, I think footnotes and a short
bibliogra-phy are in order since there is so much misinformation floating
about in the news.

DeAnna:  I love this continuation of lessons from Grandmother Spider and
have no other comments.

Leonard:  The first sentence is confusing.  Wasn't it 1980 everywhere, not
just in central Virginia.  The date and place could be incorporated into the
piece.  "That is a simple sentence" adds nothing.  I also think the
sentences about using a bike and your vision could be tightened up.  Try
re-writing the first paragraph and setting the scene in stronger and shorter
sentences. What is a "countrified item?"  How was this a war between heaven
and hell?  It just sounds like hell to me.  Good descriptions of the route
and your terror.  Would a shirt have provided any protection?  

Marcia:  This is really, really good with lots of humor and an awareness of
small towns.  I want to read more.  One Question:  Did she actually take any
photos?                                       

 

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