[Critique Group 1] Sally's June comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's June comments:

Marcia:  I love this piece and can relate.  A few things:  When you go back
to look for your cat and guide dog, you mention finding your cat but make no
mention of your guide dog, and you leave without any reunion.  Is the small
dog meant to be your guide?  You are looking for food for your cat but don't
mention finding any; however, when you leave her to follow your father, the
cat has food. I think the description of what you can see upon awakening is
very effective.

Cleora: What I like about this piece is that it shows your passion for the
subject and how much you want to communicate that passion to the reader.
However, I have a few suggestions:  I think the piece needs to be tightened
and cropped to make a piece on just the internet banking aspect.  The rest
of the material has many topics for future writings.  I would also mention
early on that you are blind and rely on technology that works from home to
simplify your life and be independent.  Remember that I know that, but your
audience doesn't.  I think that emphaszising this fact would clarify your
theme.

Leonard:  I love this poem and how it shows your personal grief with the
implication of how we all grieve our dogs.  You mention that Eric came out
of nowhere and, in the end, disappeared.  Does this have any spiritual
significance?  Is the title really appropriate since you will always miss
him?

DeAnna:  Have we met Stacey before?  She reminds me a bit of Lisa.  I like
the ways you show but don't tell Stacey's care for detail and kindness.

 

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