[Critique Group 1] Marcia's January notes

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

Infected

 

Delete apostrophe and tag for internal dialogue:  'What luck,' he thought

'Oh well,' he thought. 'Not my problem.'

 

Be specific:  didn't usually find one so soon.

Try:  didn't usually find an easy target so soon.

 

Word choice:  Up ahead, a young girl was coming toward him swinging a white
cane back and forth in front of herself.

Try:  Ahead, a young girl walked toward him swinging a white cane back and
forth in front of herself.

 

Reword:  His brain tingling with anticipation, he slipped out of sight
behind a tall bush beside the path to wait. 

Try:  Tingling with anticipation, he slipped behind a tall bush beside the
path and waited. 

 

Avoid pronoun:  He grabbed her

Try:  The robber grabbed her

 

Reword:  "Infected," she whispered in his ear.

Try:  "I'm infected," she whispered in his ear.

 

Reword:  He pulled a folder

Try:  He pulled a wallet

 

Tighten:  and strolled away at a normal pace.

Try:  and strolled away.

 

Move comma:  On his way to work, he stopped at three different convenience
stores, and two banks and used the ATM at each to make a $200 cash advance
on the girls card.

Try:  On his way to work, he stopped at three convenience stores and two
banks, and used the ATM at each to make a $200 cash advance on the girls
card.

 

Apostrophe possessive:  on the girls card.

Try:  on the girl's card.

Also

As the girl's card

 

Tighten:  At work, he pulled the five cards out and pitched them in the
shredder.

Try:  At work, he pitched the five cards into the shredder.

 

Reword:  and gave a check for

Try:  and wrote a check for

 

Reword:  His vision was a little cloudy like there was a film on them.

Try:  His vision was cloudy like there was a film on his eyeballs.

Or

His vision was cloudy.

 

"some" 4X:  Over the next few weeks, he bought some tools, a season pass to
the water park, and some other incidentals. He was having some trouble with
his vision so he spent some of the money to have his eyes checked.

Try:  Over the next few weeks, he bought new tools, a season pass to the
water park, and other incidentals. He was having more trouble with his
vision so he spent some of the money he'd stolen to have his eyes checked.

 

Reword thought:  'Probably a cloud came over the sun,' he thought.

Try:  Had a cloud blocked the sun?

 

Walked 2X combine:  He went to the park and walked along the sidewalk where
he normally found his victims. He walked slowly and carefully, something was
definitely wrong with his eyes.

Try:  He went to the park and walked slowly and carefully along the sidewalk
where he normally found his victims; something was definitely wrong with his
eyes.

 

Reword:  When the time comes, you must tell the person you are infected."

Try:  If that happens, you must tell the person you are infected."

 

Shorten meaningless dialogue:  "How did you get it?" he asked.

 

"That doesn't matter," she said. "The important thing is that it's yours
now." She smiled. "Thank you,: she said again. "Enjoy." And, dropping the
cane at his feet, she walked away.

Try:  "It's yours now." The girl smiled, dropped the cane at his feet, and
walked away.

 

 

Sally:

Brittle

 

Reword:  One of many lovingly saved 

Try:  One of many letters lovingly saved 

Or

Many letters lovingly saved.

 

Avoid "it":  For more than six decades, it is

A bittersweet attempt to bear witness

Try:  For more than six decades, as a 

Bittersweet attempt to bear witness

 

Nice:  And turn thin sheets of paper

Into crinkled forget-me-nots.

 

Reword:  Can remain tucked away for now.

Try:  Will remain tucked away for now.

 

Invert:  The ink has no doubt faded over time,

Try:  The ink no doubt has faded over time,

 

Avoid "just":  Remain fresh with just a hint of ocean breeze.

Try:  Remain fresh with a hint of ocean breeze.

 

 

Leonard:

Oguchi's Disease

 

Avoid pronoun "that":  But that was not really blind. 

Try:  But I was not going blind. 

 

Avoid was/were:  at night they were not quite right.

Try:  at night they didn't work right.

 

Second time "right":  but something was wrong. It didn't seem right.  

 

With hindsight, he might know better now.?

With hindsight, he would have known better then.

 

Move this section up above "However":  I could no longer read the
blackboard.. 

 

Avoid has/had - stronger:  Even though friends wouldn't have me drive,

Try:  Even though friends wouldn't allow me to drive,

 

Change tense:  I never believed I was sightless.

Try:  I never believed I'd be sightless.

 

Avoid "has":  Each challenge has had an adaptation

Try:  Each decade has required adaptation

 

Reword:  now slowly transforms to cane and dog.

Try:  now slowly transforming to cane and dog.

 

 

Deanna:

Behind the Mask

 

Wise 2X:  She paused in her work to teach the children to be wise.  

 

"Of what shall I weave your story?" asked the wise old teller of tales. 

Try:  She paused in her work to teach the children.  

 

"Of what shall I weave your story?" asked the wise old teller of tales. 

 

Transition rough:  Listen my children and I will tell you a secret. My
granddaughter  Otterchild dances away laughing.  Like quicksilver she is
here but if you try to catch and hold her she slips away flashing her smile
over a shoulder, lest you take offense that she chooses not to stay.

Try:  "Listen my children and I will tell you the story of Otterchild, my
grandaughter. She is here.  She dances like quicksilver but if you try to
catch and hold her, she'll slip away flashing her smile over a shoulder,
lest you take offense that she chooses not to stay."

 

(obviously I was confused!)

 

Extra "the?":  She pauses in her frantic dance to touch lightly the shy the
one who doubts his worth.

Try:  She pauses in her frantic dance to touch lightly the shy one who
doubts his worth.

 

Poetic:  Dancing, spinning, bubbling bubbling until she foams at the mouth
and then she is gone, Leaving sunlight and laughter where she has passed. 

 

Insert comma:  Among the young warriors there is one called Grey Owl. 

Try:  Among the young warriors, there is one called Grey Owl. 

 

Punctuation:  He is strong,  silent and swift Gray Owl does not swagger like
many others.

Try:  He is strong,  silent and swift; Gray Owl does not swagger like many
others.

 

Delete "were":  One day, the young men were gathered

Try:  One day, the young men gathered

 

Insert commas:  As Otterchild's quick small feet carried her to the stream
for water the young men grew louder in their play and talk hoping to draw
her glance.  

Try:  As Otterchild's quick small feet carried her to the stream for water,
the young men grew louder in their play and talk hoping to draw her glance.


 

Reword avoid "made":  This made Little Elk puff out his chest

Try:  Little Elk puffed out his chest

 

Delete quote marks internal thought:  "Tree limbs don't run from the hunter
like game and they don't put stew in the pot," she thought.

 

Reword:  He sat down apart and played a song on his flute. 

Try:  He sat apart from others and played his flute. 

Or

He sat alone and played his flute.

 

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