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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Infected<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete apostrophe and tag for internal dialogue: ‘What luck,’ he thought<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>‘Oh well,’ he thought. ‘Not my problem.’<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Be specific: didn’t usually find one so soon.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: didn’t usually find an easy target so soon.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice: Up ahead, a young girl was coming toward him swinging a white cane back and forth in front of herself.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Ahead, a young girl walked toward him swinging a white cane back and forth in front of herself.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword: His brain tingling with anticipation, he slipped out of sight behind a tall bush beside the path to wait. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Tingling with anticipation, he slipped behind a tall bush beside the path and waited. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid pronoun: He grabbed her<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The robber grabbed her<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword: “Infected,” she whispered in his ear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “I’m infected,” she whispered in his ear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: He pulled a folder<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He pulled a wallet<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tighten: and strolled away at a normal pace.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: and strolled away.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Move comma: On his way to work, he stopped at three different convenience stores, and two banks and used the ATM at each to make a $200 cash advance on the girls card.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: On his way to work, he stopped at three convenience stores and two banks, and used the ATM at each to make a $200 cash advance on the girls card.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Apostrophe possessive: on the girls card.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: on the girl’s card.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Also<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>As the girl’s card<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tighten: At work, he pulled the five cards out and pitched them in the shredder.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: At work, he pitched the five cards into the shredder.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: and gave a check for<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: and wrote a check for<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: His vision was a little cloudy like there was a film on them.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: His vision was cloudy like there was a film on his eyeballs.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>His vision was cloudy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“some” 4X: Over the next few weeks, he bought some tools, a season pass to the water park, and some other incidentals. He was having some trouble with his vision so he spent some of the money to have his eyes checked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Over the next few weeks, he bought new tools, a season pass to the water park, and other incidentals. He was having more trouble with his vision so he spent some of the money he’d stolen to have his eyes checked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword thought: ‘Probably a cloud came over the sun,’ he thought.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Had a cloud blocked the sun?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Walked 2X combine: He went to the park and walked along the sidewalk where he normally found his victims. He walked slowly and carefully, something was definitely wrong with his eyes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: He went to the park and walked slowly and carefully along the sidewalk where he normally found his victims; something was definitely wrong with his eyes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: When the time comes, you must tell the person you are infected.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: If that happens, you must tell the person you are infected.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Shorten meaningless dialogue: “How did you get it?” he asked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“That doesn’t matter,” she said. “The important thing is that it’s yours now.” She smiled. “Thank you,: she said again. “Enjoy.” And, dropping the cane at his feet, she walked away.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “It’s yours now.” The girl smiled, dropped the cane at his feet, and walked away.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Brittle<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: One of many lovingly saved <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: One of many letters lovingly saved <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Many letters lovingly saved.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “it”: For more than six decades, it is<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:1.0in;text-indent:-1.0in'>A bittersweet attempt to bear witness<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: For more than six decades, as a <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:1.0in;text-indent:-1.0in'>Bittersweet attempt to bear witness<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice: And turn thin sheets of paper<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Into crinkled forget-me-nots.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Can remain tucked away for now.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Will remain tucked away for now.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Invert: The ink has no doubt faded over time,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The ink no doubt has faded over time,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “just”: Remain fresh with just a hint of ocean breeze.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Remain fresh with a hint of ocean breeze.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Oguchi’s Disease<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Avoid pronoun “that”: <span style='color:black'>But that was not really blind. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>But I was not going blind. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Avoid was/were: <span style='color:black'>at night they were not quite right.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: at night they didn’t work right.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Second time “right”: <span style='color:black'>but something was wrong. It didn’t seem right. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>With hindsight, he might know better now.</span>?<span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>With hindsight, he would have known better then.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Move this section up above “However”: <span style='color:black'>I could no longer read the blackboard…. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Avoid has/had – stronger: <span style='color:black'>Even though friends wouldn’t have me drive,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Even though friends wouldn’t allow me to drive,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Change tense: <span style='color:black'>I never believed I was sightless.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>I never believed I’d be sightless.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Avoid “has”: <span style='color:black'>Each challenge has had an adaptation<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Each decade has required adaptation<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Reword: now slowly transforms to cane and dog.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>now slowly transforming to cane and dog.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Behind the Mask<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Wise 2X: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>She paused in her work to teach the children to be wise. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>"Of what shall I weave your story?" asked the wise old teller of tales. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>She paused in her work to teach the children. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>"Of what shall I weave your story?" asked the wise old teller of tales. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Transition rough: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Listen my children and I will tell you a secret. My granddaughter Otterchild dances away laughing. Like quicksilver she is here but if you try to catch and hold her she slips away flashing her smile over a shoulder, lest you take offense that she chooses not to stay.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: “Listen my children and I will tell you the story of Otterchild, my grandaughter. She is here. She dances like quicksilver but if you try to catch and hold her, she’ll slip away flashing her smile over a shoulder, lest you take offense that she chooses not to stay.”</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>(obviously I was confused!)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Extra “the?”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She pauses in her frantic dance to touch lightly the shy the one who doubts his worth.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: She pauses in her frantic dance to touch lightly the shy one who doubts his worth.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:2.0in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>Poetic: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Dancing, spinning, bubbling bubbling until she foams at the mouth and then she is gone, Leaving sunlight and laughter where she has passed. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Among the young warriors there is one called Grey Owl. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Among the young warriors, there is one called Grey Owl. </span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Punctuation: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>He is strong, silent and swift Gray Owl does not swagger like many others.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>He is strong, silent and swift; Gray Owl does not swagger like many others.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “were”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>One day, the young men were gathered<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: One day, the young men gathered<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Insert commas: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>As Otterchild’s quick small feet carried her to the stream for water the young men grew louder in their play and talk hoping to draw her glance. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>As Otterchild’s quick small feet carried her to the stream for water, the young men grew louder in their play and talk hoping to draw her glance. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword avoid “made”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>This made Little Elk puff out his chest<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Little Elk puffed out his chest<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>Delete quote marks internal thought: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>"Tree limbs don't run from the hunter like game and they don't put stew in the pot," she thought.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>He sat down apart and played a song on his flute. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: He sat apart from others and played his flute. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Or<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>He sat alone and played his flute.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>