[Critique Group 1] Marcia's February notes:

[Marcia Wick]

Sally:

Night Visitor

 

Don’t need possessive?:  a deep sleep’s dream

Try: a deep sleep dream

Or perhaps
choose


 

Feel fingers move 2X:  I felt my eager fingers move to grasp

Try:  My eager fingers reached (itched) to grasp

My fingers rubbed silky ears

 

Reword:  As she faded into the night or dawn,

Try:  As she faded like night into dawn,

 

 

Leonard:

Fire Balls

 

Rework, lower case “C”:  

It was 1980 in Central Virginia, and I was on my way home. That is a simple
sentence.

Try:  It was 1980 in central Virginia and I was on my way home, normally an
uneventful endeavor.

Or

A typical ride home on my bicycle in central Virginia turned into a
harrowing nightmare in 1980 when the weather took a turn.




Delete comma:  I needed to use a bike, because of my sight.

Try:  I needed to use a bike because of my sight.

Or

I used a bike


 

Redundant:  You see, I can’t see all that well. I’m legally blind. But I
could see well enough for the slow speed of a bicycle.  

Try:  You see, I’m legally blind, butt I could see well enough for the slow
speed of a bicycle.  

Cliché:  Before I was out of the twisty place, it really started coming
down.

 

Stretch yourself:  The weather was threatening. Very threatening.

Use metaphor or analogy

 

Delete “really,” tighten for tension:  The thunder was so loud it shook my
bones. I was really frightened of being hit. I was afraid of the bolts
striking nearby and sending a current up past the tires and sending it into
my body. I don’t know whether that is realistic, but I was afraid to get off
the bike. As far as I knew, the narrow rubber wheels were some protection.

Try:  The thunder was so loud it shook my bones. I was frightened. Could a
bolts strike nearby and send a current up past the tires into my body? I was
afraid to get off the bike. I hoped the narrow rubber wheels offered some
protection.

 

“they” two times:  They were red, to my memory. But they could have been
blue, as well.

Try:  The fire balls were red, to my memory, but they could have been blue,
as well.

 

“have”:  I have never witnessed

Try:  I had never witnessed

 

 

Cleora:

Stick

 

Reword:  a question on everyone's mind.

Try:  a question on many minds.

Or

A question on my mind

 

Reword:  I'm not a medical practitioner. The following information is
intended to help you

Try:  I'm not a medical practitioner, but I’ve compiled the following
information to help myself and maybe it will help you, too.

 

Reword:  I'm told that the second shot

Try:  I’ve read (I understand, according to reports,) that the second shot

 

Confusing/random parentheses:  Two of the vaccines are from Johnson &
Johnson /janssenpharmaceuticaals and AstraZeneca/university of oxford) The
Oxford version was tested in South America and was not shown to be very
effective so South Africa has declined to use it.

Try:  Two of the vaccines are from Johnson & Johnson
/janssenpharmaceuticaals and AstraZeneca/university of oxford) The Oxford
version was tested in South America and was not shown to be very effective
so South Africa has declined to use it.

 

Heavy, not layman’s language

 

Medical references vs. I’m told, I believe


 

Bombshell last lie:  One recent bit of information suggests that
you could
die!

 

 

Deanna:

Sharing Your Gifrts

 

Capitalize?:  great mystery

 

New paragraph?:  This is the tale she told little rabbit.

 

Misplaced period?:  When the flash of the lightning.  Lit up the sky,

 

Delete:  Shelter beneath me until this passes and wait for the sun to
return." he instructed.

Try:  Shelter beneath me until this passes and wait for the sun to return." 

 

Quote or no quote?:      So it is when we look beyond


Vs.

"So my foolish child, you must think


 

Attribution?:  So it is when we look beyond our own troubles and offer help
to one another.  That which is good for one can be good for all if each is
willing to share their gifts and look beyond what is good for themselves
alone.

 

Check blank lines between dialogue and paragraph breaks.

 

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