[Critique Group 1] Marcia's November notes

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard

Sand Dune Marchers

Nice imagery

 

Incomplete sentence:   On a high windswept sand dune

fifty strides from seaside lapping,

a semi-stable  hammock

nestled in a nest of rises,

adorned with a grass new to me.

Try:   On a high windswept sand dune

fifty strides from seaside lapping,

a semi-stable  hammock

is nestled between the rises,

adorned with a grass new to me.

 

Invert:  Five-foot solitary tall grasses,

Try:  Solitary five-foot tall grasses, 

 

Incomplete sentence:  Five-foot solitary tall grasses,

graceful  drooping leaves stretch two more feet

on gently sloping supporting stalks,

with bowed,  colored, singular tresses,

almost parallel to their sandy  ground.

Try:  Solitary five-foot-tall stalks,

Support graceful   leaves stretching two feet more

on gently sloping sandy dunes,

wave and bow  singular colored tresses,

at times parallel to the sandy  ground.

 

Combine lines?:  Each tasseled stalk faces the same way.

 

Where do they get their marching orders?

 

Reword nuance:  or simply a way to catch the light?

Try:  or simply stretching to catch the light?

 

Punctuation combine:  Like humans moving toward their destiny.

Will they perish before they arrive?

Try:  Like humans moving toward their destiny,

will they perish before they arrive?

 

Final question:  Will they come again to suit the season,

continuing their solemn  journey

try:  Will they come again to suit the season,

and continue their solemn  journey?

 

Deanna

Winter Winds

 

Punctuation pattern? Comma/period. Comma/period.

 

Redundant:  Chilly and cold,

Try:  Icy and cold

 

Nice metaphor:  timber wolf bold (needs comma?)

 

Singular?:  Treasure her gifts,

for they come from her heart.

Try:  Treasure her gift,

for it comes from her heart.

 

Abrupt transition:  We've made a rift

Willful children apart.

 

???:  from microbic to whale?

 

Cleora

Entitled

 

Is this a definition:  believing oneself to be inherently deserving of
privileges or special treatment.

Try:  believing oneself is inherently deserving of privileges or special
treatment is the definition of "entitlement."

 

Capitalize:  social security

Try:  Social Security

 

Doesn't follow promise:  . and freedom to do whatever they want to our
youth.

Try:  while they are free to do whatever they want to our youth.

 

Break up long sentence:  Millions of dollars have been spent world wide to
bring us a vaccine to protect us from a deadly virus, but you are entitled
to catch that virus and die or develop permanent serious health problems as
a result, However, regardless of the decision you made not to take
precautions, you are entitled to someone else to pick up the tab for your
choice.

Try:  Millions of dollars have been spent world wide to bring us a vaccine
that protects us from a deadly virus, yet you are entitled to avoid
vaccination, catch that virus, and die or develop permanent serious health
problems as a result. However, regardless of your decision not to take
precautions, you feel entitled to have someone else pick up the tab for your
care.

 

Simplify more clear:  These entitlements cover almost everything that might
be nice, but not necessarily required for us to have a good life.

Try:  Entitlements are nice, but not essential for a good life.

 

Organization out of place?:  Advertising typically tries to create a sense
of urgency. We might die suddenly and leave our loved ones unprovided for.

Also (follow promise?):  The fast food restaurant will make its irresistible
sandwich our way. The beautiful ladies will flock to the gentleman that owns
the fantastic sports car. Now, we are told we are going to miss out on
something we are entitled to unless we act immediately.

 

Weak, redundant:  But feeling that we're entitled and demanding that others
realize that we're entitled is completely useless and might even get in the
way of what we really want.

 

Better conclusion (from above):  We are so incredibly blessed in this
country that we have become unbearably arrogant. None of these
"entitlements" are free, and most are not even necessary. Someone has to pay
for them. That someone is us and our descendants, regardless of what the
advertiser or politician says.

 

Simplify, clarify:  This is a sales pitch meant to lure us into buying a
product because we are brainwashed into thinking we deserve it. In times
past, this would have been referred to as "junk mail", but the clever
advertiser and politician of today have repackaged it to tell us we deserve
it.

Try:  This sounds like a sales pitch meant to lure us into buying a product
after we've been brainwashed into thinking we deserve it. The clever
advertiser and politician of today have repackaged "junk mail" to make us
think we deserve what they're selling.

 

Smooth out:  A feeling of entitlement is hard won.

You suffered to get to the spot you're in. You were mistreated; worked hard;
paid your dues; endured unfair treatment. So, It's your turn. Justice
demands it. You're aggrieved. Or perhaps the thing you've worked so hard on
is magical, special and totally worth people's attention.

You're entitled. To your grievance or the meeting or even simply, the
benefit of the doubt.

Try:  Your entitlement is hard won. You've suffered to get to the spot
you're in. Aggrieved, you've been mistreated; worked hard; paid your dues;
endured unfair treatment. So, It's your turn. Justice demands it. The thing
you've worked so hard on is magical, special and totally worth people's
attention.

You're entitled to your grievance or the meeting or simply to the benefit of
the doubt.

 

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