[Critique Group 1] Marcia's August notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally

 

Insert comma:  greeted me rather than carols and a gray-haired couple

Try:  greeted me rather than carols, and a gray-haired couple

 

Typo:  explainedthey

Try:  explained they

 

Has and Have, not had:  In truth, imagined dancing had been the only 

    Dancing I had ever been able to do. 

Try:  In truth, imagined dancing has been the only 

    Dancing I have ever been able to do. 

 

Tense:  I did not walk with any amount of ease or grace. 

Try:  I can't walk with any amount of ease or grace. 

 

Tense:  even more so now that I was blind and nearing my seventies. 

Try:  even more so now that I am blind and nearing my seventies. 

 

Tense:  I threw caution

Try:  I throw caution

sway or tap my foot

 

saved best for last - love this line:  Tossing my long white hair in
defiance of the impossible, I felt the beat pulse deep within me and dreamed
of dancing next time around. 

.fee, dream.present?

 

 

Leonard

 

Mishaps?  Accidents Caused by Low Vision

 

Word choice:  the ample breach

Try:  the ample opening

 

Word choice:  At a critical hotel conference, 

Try:  At an important hotel conference, 

 

Typo:  discover ed it was a barrier 

Try:  discovered it was a barrier 

 

Choppy writing, punctuation etc.?

 

Cleora

 

More specific:  help me to understand God better.

Try:  help me to better understand how people try God's patience.

 

Simplify:  According to the Bible, in the beginning, after creating man, God
gave them a very simple set of instructions. He had planted a Tree of Life
and a Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden. The
instructions regarding the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil were
simple. Don't look at it, don't touch it, and don't eat of the fruit from
it.

Try:  According to the Bible, in the beginning, God created man (or Adam and
Eve) and gave him/them a simple set of instructions. "Don't look at, don't
touch, and don't eat of the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and
Evil in the Garden of Eden." 

 

? the eight souls inside would not have survived.

 

Typo:  I’m not saying

He doesn’t require

 

Agreement:  a set  of instructions that include

Try:  a set  of instructions that includes

Or

instructions that include

 

smooth transition, stronger:  Several years of trying to find good care
givers who will help me do the things I need to do my way, has brought me to
the conclusion that maybe I know a little about how God feels when people go
their own way.

Try:  Years of searching for reliable care givers leads me to believe that I
know a little about how God feels when people won't do things the way He
asks.

 

 

Deanna

 

Title weak question A Dream?

A Fever Dream

 

No paragraph breaks?

 

Note repetition -

Insert comma:  That first winter I came down with a fever

Try:  That first winter, I came down with a fever

 

Again:  That first winter I came down His clothes were

Try:  That first winter I came down, His clothes were

 

His?

 

Insert apostrophe: "Its not time

Try:  "It's not time

 

Agreement:  five foot one inches tall

Try:  five feet one inch tall

 

Wording:  I don't doubt that god can put my life to good service,

Try:  I don't doubt that god has put my life to good service,

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