[Critique Group 1] Cleora's August notes

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for Marsha
When I read the title, I expected to feel a lot of emotion.
there is a lot of information and conflict here, 
but, I feel like I'm reading a documentary. 
the words are there, they just don't generate any emotion.
consider instead of "on a roll" 
the words flowed onto the paper as I typed
instead of scanning my draft
I scanned the draft carefully. I 
I felt sure my words would be received favorably.
instead of 
I was mesmerized by wet confetti 
wet confetti mesmerized me on my risky navigation home.
Maybe dramatize the way people behaved more.

[comments for Leonard
Cleora it is stilted
Actually, except for drinking the cream, I know some normally sighted people who did exactly the same things mentioned here.
as a result of weather conditions or not paying attention to what they were doing.
I think it needs a conclusion. A lesson learned.
A lesson is implied, I think it needs to be stated.

[comments for DeAnna
Interesting.
Well written.

[comments for Sally
Does the reader know at this point in the book that your parents names are Bill and Kathleen Bennett.  
I felt the move from the fantasy to the above scene never happened was too abrupt even with the *** marking the transition.
explainedthey  needs a space between d and t
the only explanation
instead Why else ...
we learn that you had a stroke as a baby
While this is an explaination for your not engaging in dancing, I wonder if it belongs here.
This piece doesn't have the feel of the other pieces.