[Critique Group 1] Marcia's October notes

[Marcia Wick]

For everyone:

Lay/Lie <https://www.grammarly.com/blog/lay-lie/>  To lay means to put or to
place. One way to remember this is that there is an a in both to lay and to
place: Posey will lay out her outfit before she goes to bed. To lie means to
recline. One way to remember this is that there is an e in both to lie and
to recline: Chester will lie down for a nap. Be careful, though. The past
tense of to lay is laid: Posey laid out her outfit. The past tense of to lie
is lay: Chester lay down for a nap over an hour ago.

 

 

Sally:

To A Far Away Friend

 

Title:  To A FAR AWAY FRIEND

Try:  To A FARAWAY FRIEND

 

Spelling:  miscarrages

Try:  miscarriages

 

Redundant (double period):  ground underfoot..

Try:  ground.

 

Insert space:  Orhow

Try:  or how

 

Nice line:  And tenderly hold Your vanishing self in my heart.

 

 

Cleora:

Goodbye Dove

 

Punctuation incomplete sentence:  Wrapped in a cloth,

placed in a bag.

The unfortunate bird lies at rest,

Buried deep with rocks placed on top.

 

Try:  Wrapped in a cloth,

placed in a bag, 

The unfortunate bird lay at rest,

Buried deep with rocks placed on top.

 

Awkward:  one of theirs lies here

Try:  one of their own lay here

 

Past of lie/lay:  The unfortunate bird lies at rest,

Try:  The unfortunate bird lay at rest,

And

Do they know one of their own lay here?

 

Insert comma:  Goodbye little dove.

Try:  Goodbye, little dove.

 

 

Leonard:

Bruised Ribs

 

Incomplete sentence:  A skid for dragging  garden debris,

one with ribs and a pail of water,

lying beside a raised-bed wall.

Try:  A skid for dragging  garden debris,

one with ribs and a pail of water,

lay beside a raised-bed wall.

 

Delete "was":  was no way a controlled landing.

Try:  no way a controlled landing.

 

Delete comma:  I didn't, laugh, cough,

Try:  I didn't laugh, cough,

 

 

Deanna:

Dust in the Wind

 

Insert comma:  my uncle, Larry Fisher died

Try:  my uncle, Larry Fisher, died

 

Insert another dash:  60 years-old

Try:  60-years-old

 

Splitting hair:  Throughout our lives,

Try:  Throughout my life,

 

Use name instead of two pronouns:  the details of closing up his apartment,
the distribution of his possessions-

Try:  the details of closing up Uncle Larry's apartment, the distribution of
his possessions-

 

Long sentence:  She dropped everything to fly to Michigan to take charge and
see that all the details of closing up his apartment, the distribution of
his possessions--making sure that everyone had some small token of
remembrance.  and organizing the funeral were properly handled.

Try:  She dropped everything to fly to Michigan and take charge. She saw to
it that all the details of closing up his apartment, the distribution of his
possessions, and  organizing the funeral were properly handled. She also
made sure that everyone had some small token of remembrance.  

 

Clarify:  My mother knew someone who had done this task for his own father.
He agreed to provide this service for Larry. 

Try:  My mother contacted a man who had done this task for his own father.
He agreed to provide this service for Larry. 

 

Use name, not pronoun:  He was brought into the large meeting area

Try:  Larry was brought into the large meeting area

 

Reword "did":  One of the items I did was to hull and slice strawberries in
half.

Try:  I helped hull and slice strawberries in half.

 

Redundant:  Ruben remembered the paintings his uncle had painted with their
abstract vivid colors.

Try:  Ruben remembered the abstract images his uncle had painted with their
vivid colors.

 

redundent"drift", reword agreement:  The bundles of Larry's ashes scattered
across the land mingling with desert sands, drifted onto mountain slopes in
the Rockies and drifted down on the sweet grass of marshy wooded places in
Michigan.

Try:  The bundles of Larry's ashes scattered across the land, mingled with
desert sands, drifted onto mountain slopes in the Rockies, and settled on
the sweet grass of marshy wooded places in Michigan.

 

 

 

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