[Critique Group 1] Critique notes for October 2020

[Deanna Noriega]

Martia
There appears to be a comma after Michigan but there seems to be a space
before it.

Stuck as home should be stuck at home.

Pull out should be pull-out

Gulp for air should be gulp of air.

In the first person version, you left the G out of the word graduating.

Change stuck as home in this version too.

Pull out change to pull-out

Gulp of not gulp for air

Both versions work, it would seem that there is an immediacy to first
person, but both versions are full of detail and hold the interest.

 


sally
There is an extra period after the word underfoot

Orhow needs a space, change to or how

Beautiful, poignant, and another snapshot of the emotions of a moment.

 

Leonard


Try didn't instead of couldn't

Force a

In the needs to lose the word a. Sorry you experienced this unsuspected
fact, as we age, we don't bounce well.

 


Martia

sally

Leonard

Cleora

Try the dove didn't see

Try landed instead of lands

Try moving the third line to the top of the last stanza.Are they mourning?

In the last line, change Was the one its mate?

Try Was that one its mate?

 






 

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