[Critique Group 1] Marcia's May notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally

 

Title?

Steel thread

 

Line break:  life was fragile and unfair but 

still worth living

try:  life was fragile and unfair

but still worth living

 

 

Cleora

Punctuation:  She lives in another world.

Where All is well.

Try:  She lives in another world,

Where All is well.

 

Incomplete sentences (use verb):  

Our needs on hold.

Her goal to discredit and remove him.

Try:  Our needs are on hold.

Her goal is to discredit and remove him.

 

No pattern to line breaks:  11 6 10 5 6

 

 

Leonard

Title ? unnecessary:  Two geese??

Try:  Two geese

 

Delete commas:  lake,

where their flock had returned from wintering,

to lay their eggs and raise their families.

Try:  lake

where their flock had returned from wintering

to lay their eggs and raise their families.

 

Too many commas!:  Sauntering back from an undeveloped section,

beyond their two lane confinement, 

peculiar from their usual behavior,

and doing so in a nonchalant form,

they had abandoned travel by flight, 

maintaining their advancing on webbed feet,

as though beyond the cares of their world,

despite the fact that my dog was endowed 

with power to kill, if given a chance.

Try:  Sauntering back from an undeveloped section

beyond their two lane confinement, 

peculiar from their usual behavior

and doing so in a nonchalant form,

they had abandoned travel by flight, 

maintaining their advancing on webbed feet

as though beyond the cares of their world

despite the fact that my dog was endowed 

with power to kill, if given a chance.

 

 

Deanna

Insert comma:  skipped over the furniture briefly backlighting

Try:  skipped over the furniture, briefly backlighting

 

Reword:  backlighting and illuminating

Try:  backlighting and revealing 

 

Punctuation/question:  What are you doing out of bed,"

Try:  What are you doing out of bed?"

 

Reword:  It's practically the middle of the night

Try:  It's the middle of the night

 

Rework:  Mama worked two jobs, but she wasn't paid much because the kinds of
jobs she could get near the reservation didn't pay very well.

Try:  Mama worked two jobs but she wasn't paid much - or period the kinds of
jobs she could get near the reservation didn't pay well.

 

Paid twice.

 

Unclear and dangling:  ash split basket grandpa had woven sitting in the
middle of the kitchen table.

Try:  a wooden basket grandpa had woven stood in the middle of the kitchen
table.

 

jarringlanded like machine gun fire

Rapid fire

desperados

 

Swan children.

 

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