[Critique Group 1] Leonar's comment's on SeAnna's sub for June

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I'm not sure I sent this.


Good narrative.  Clear, consice . Itteaches a lot about the Indian  and whiteman’s  cultures. 

 

Words 615

The Many Roads to America

 

 

MarthaFisher glanced at her niece Lisa, who was supposed to be doing her homework.Lisa sat across the kitchen table with a sheet of lined notebook paper beforeher. Lisa twisted a pencil in her fingers, but didn’t seem to have writtenanything on the sheet. 

Didn’t seem to have written. She eitherwrote or did not write.  

I think the active for the sentence works better.

 

               “What’s wrong Lisa?” Martha asked. 

 

               “I don’t know what to write,” answered Lisa. “My teacher said to write aboutwhere our family names came from. She said that people came from places like Italy, Germany,Ireland or Scotland and wecan guess where our ancestors came from by our family names. I don’t know wheremy father’s family got the name of Swan.”

Good introduction of the issues. Veryconcise.

               “” Great grandmother Ruth said that our people didn’t use family names beforethey were forced to sign treaties.” Mused Martha. “she said that when our bandwas brought to this reservation to join the Potawatomi and Ottawa, they made everyone choose a whitename for their families to write them down for the lists of the members of eachband and clan group. When I was in the fifth grade like you, I asked her whatshe knew about why we are called Fisher. She said it was because there was aFrench-Canadian trapper who was married to her grandmother. He said they coulduse his name. It started with a V. but the agency man misunderstood and wroteit Fisher. Perhaps your father’s family was from the Swan Creek band anddecided to use the English word for swan. I think that some scientists believethat our people came across a land bridge that used to stretch from Russia to Alaska.They moved down from the north and when the border between Canada and Michigan was drawn, some of our people endedup on both sides of the lines they drew on maps. I remember we used the samebook when I was in the fifth grade like you. I wish they wouldn’t use thatbook, because it doesn’t really tell much about history before all of the whiteAfrican or Chinese people came here.”

 I think that this parragraph should bebroken up to at least two, because the subjects are related but different.  For clarities sake.

               “Lisa giggled, “Do you know what Ryan’s first grade classmates asked him whenthey learned he was Indian? They wanted to know if his parents wore feathersand warpaint, like in the movies!” He told them that his father wore an armyuniform but his mama did paint her face and wore feathers on Sundays. Hethought they were talking about her makeup and her Sunday hat with the featherson it.”

 A reasonable assumption, and funny.

               “Oh dear! I’ll let papa know that he needs to take the boys and you to some ofthe tribal gatherings to learn about the dances and ceremonies. I know thatmama wants us to learn how the white people live and think, but we also need toknow who we are. Our ways are different, but they are the cup the Great Mysterymade for us. Next time I go to visit my Grandma Minnie, come with me and shecan teach you some of the stories and ways that you should know.” Marthareplied.

 I love the way your stories teach aboutthe comparison of cultures, and especially about the Indian culture. 

I know there are a lot of subcultures.

Lisabent her head to begin telling the story of how names are given among theChippewa. She knew that she was called first-born-daughter until greatgrandmother Minnie told her mother, Mary Swan, that her true name was springblossom. Lisa Swan was her paper government name. It didn’t tell who she was inher heart or spirit. Summer was coming, and she would have more time to listento Grandpa and other elders as they shared the things, they knew about how tobe a good person, part of her family, clan andpeople.      

 

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