[Critique Group 1] Marcia's notes for December

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna:

Delete "just":  I was just a kitten

Try:  I was a kitten

 

Another word for "resided"?:  My mother resided in an alley

Try:  My mother sheltered (hid out, survived)

in an alley

 

delete comma:  a small rundown house, near the edge of town

try:  a small rundown house near the edge of town

 

insert comma:  Even though I was crouched and kept very still she spotted
me.

Try:  Even though I was crouched and kept very still, she spotted me.

 

Long sentence, break into beats:  She placed a cup with a missing handle
full of cool water beside the bowl and after I had cleaned the bowl
completely, she placed a small pillow on the sill of a sunny window to make
me comfortable for a nap. Then she gathered her books and hurried off to
school. Late in the afternoon, she returned and heated the rest of the stew
and mixed some biscuit dough.

Try:  She placed a cup with a missing handle full of cool water beside the
bowl. I cleaned the bowl until it shined. Suddenly sleepy, I was happy when
she placed a small pillow on the sill of a sunny window for me to take a
comfortable nap. She gathered her books and hurried off to school. Late in
the afternoon, she returned and heated the rest of the stew and mixed some
biscuit dough.

 

Simplify:  Although Becca was only about ten years old,

Try:  Although Becca was only 10,

 

Reword/active:  Time flew by and a year later, Christmas was again
approaching.

Try:  Time flew by and a year later, Christmas again approached.

 

Tense:  When Ivy had tiptoed back to the kitchen

Try:  When Ivy tiptoed back to the kitchen

 

Insert second comma:  Tasha, queen of cats might

Try:  Tasha, queen of cats, might

 

Spell out, insert comma:  Nearing the end of my 8th life I have no regrets.

Try:  Nearing the end of my eighth life, I have no regrets.

 

 

Sally:

Agreement?:  Perfection, illusory in hindsight,

Like Christmas card scenes,

Was never the reality.

Try:  Perfection, illusory in hindsight,

Like a Christmas card scene,

Was never the reality.

 

Semi-colon? A cat?:  Much older now, I sit

And gratefully remember,

A cup of ginger tea

And a contented cat's purrs

As company on this tranquil night.

Try:  Much older now, I sit

And gratefully remember; 

A cup of ginger tea

And a contented cat purrs

As company on this tranquil night.

 

Title:  Tranquil Night

Edges of Memories

 

 

Cleora: 

emotional, heighten tension with shorter sentences:  Charles turned the key
in the lock to the twin's former bedroom for the first time in 47 years and
pushed open the door. A rocking horse stood silent and still just inside.

Try:  For the first time in 47 years, Charles unlocked the door to the
twin's former bedroom. Inside the room, a rocking horse stood silent and
still.

 

Double period:  spilled down her cheeks. .

 

More succinct:  An open book lay on the end of the bed waiting for Charlene
to return and continue reading.

Try:  An open book lay on the end of one twin bed, waiting for Charlene to
return.

 

Reword:  What was that book,

Try:  What was the name of the book,

 

Reword:  The horse continuing to rock gently following Charlie jumping off
and running past them to get int the car.

Try:  The horse continued rocking gently after Charlie jumped off and ran
past them to get into the car.

 

Mix in shorter sentences to increase urgency:  It was supposed to be a quick
trip to the filling station to service the car before Helen left to go visit
her Mom. On the way, a truck plowed into the back end of their vehicle
throwing Charlie out through the passenger side window and Charlene over the
front seat and into the windshield. Emergency vehicle personnel revived
Charlie in the ambulance, but he was pronounced dead on arrival at the
hospital.

Try:  It was supposed to be a quick trip to the filling station. Charles
wanted to service the car before Helen's drove out of town to visit her Mom.
When a truck plowed into the back end of their vehicle, Charlie was thrown
out the passenger side window. Charlene flew over the front seat into the
windshield. Emergency medical personnel revived Charlie in the ambulance,
but he was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.

(who was driving?)

 

Invert:  during the chaos that followed, the room was forgotten. 

 

Two weeks later, Charlene was taken off life support; the room door closed
and locked.

 

Try:  Two weeks later, Charlene was taken off life support. during the chaos
that followed, the bedroom door was closed and locked; the contents of the
room forgotten.

 

Reword:  to the home?"

Try:  to the retirement home?"

 

 

Leonard:

Insert period:  on its breath

Try:  on its breath.

 

Like this line, needs period instead of comma at end:  jaunting and jibing, 

with airs of unpredictability

Called,

,

 

Sentence capitall A, period:  all I had to do was join in the fun,

Try:  All I had to do was join in the fun.

 

typo? Lift not list:  entering the lists with bluster and gusto.

 

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