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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: I was just a kitten<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I was a kitten<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Another word for “resided”?: My mother resided in an alley<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: My mother sheltered (hid out, survived)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>in an alley<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>delete comma: a small rundown house, near the edge of town<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: a small rundown house near the edge of town<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>insert comma: Even though I was crouched and kept very still she spotted me.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Even though I was crouched and kept very still, she spotted me.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Long sentence, break into beats: She placed a cup with a missing handle full of cool water beside the bowl and after I had cleaned the bowl completely, she placed a small pillow on the sill of a sunny window to make me comfortable for a nap. Then she gathered her books and hurried off to school. Late in the afternoon, she returned and heated the rest of the stew and mixed some biscuit dough.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She placed a cup with a missing handle full of cool water beside the bowl. I cleaned the bowl until it shined. Suddenly sleepy, I was happy when she placed a small pillow on the sill of a sunny window for me to take a comfortable nap. She gathered her books and hurried off to school. Late in the afternoon, she returned and heated the rest of the stew and mixed some biscuit dough.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify: Although Becca was only about ten years old,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Although Becca was only 10,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword/active: Time flew by and a year later, Christmas was again approaching.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Time flew by and a year later, Christmas again approached.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: When Ivy had tiptoed back to the kitchen<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: When Ivy tiptoed back to the kitchen<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert second comma: Tasha, queen of cats might<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Tasha, queen of cats, might<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Spell out, insert comma: Nearing the end of my 8<sup>th</sup> life I have no regrets.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Nearing the end of my eighth life, I have no regrets.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement?: Perfection, illusory in hindsight,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Like Christmas card scenes,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Was never the reality.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Perfection, illusory in hindsight,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Like a Christmas card scene,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Was never the reality.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Semi-colon? A cat?: Much older now, I sit<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And gratefully remember,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A cup of ginger tea<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And a contented cat’s purrs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>As company on this tranquil night.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Much older now, I sit<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And gratefully remember; <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A cup of ginger tea<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And a contented cat purrs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>As company on this tranquil night.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: Tranquil Night<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Edges of Memories<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>emotional, heighten tension with shorter sentences: Charles turned the key in the lock to the twin's former bedroom for the first time in 47 years and pushed open the door. A rocking horse stood silent and still just inside.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: For the first time in 47 years, Charles unlocked the door to the twin's former bedroom. Inside the room, a rocking horse stood silent and still.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Double period: spilled down her cheeks. .<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>More succinct: An open book lay on the end of the bed waiting for Charlene to return and continue reading.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: An open book lay on the end of one twin bed, waiting for Charlene to return.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: What was that book,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: What was the name of the book,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: The horse continuing to rock gently following Charlie jumping off and running past them to get int the car.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The horse continued rocking gently after Charlie jumped off and ran past them to get into the car.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Mix in shorter sentences to increase urgency: It was supposed to be a quick trip to the filling station to service the car before Helen left to go visit her Mom. On the way, a truck plowed into the back end of their vehicle throwing Charlie out through the passenger side window and Charlene over the front seat and into the windshield. Emergency vehicle personnel revived Charlie in the ambulance, but he was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: It was supposed to be a quick trip to the filling station. Charles wanted to service the car before Helen’s drove out of town to visit her Mom. When a truck plowed into the back end of their vehicle, Charlie was thrown out the passenger side window. Charlene flew over the front seat into the windshield. Emergency medical personnel revived Charlie in the ambulance, but he was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>(who was driving?)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Invert: during the chaos that followed, the room was forgotten. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Two weeks later, Charlene was taken off life support; the room door closed and locked.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Two weeks later, Charlene was taken off life support. during the chaos that followed, the bedroom door was closed and locked; the contents of the room forgotten.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: to the home?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: to the retirement home?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert period: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>on its breath<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: on its breath.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Like this line, needs period instead of comma at end: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>jaunting and jibing, </span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>with airs of unpredictability</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Called,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Sentence capitall A, period: all I had to do was join in the fun,</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: All I had to do was join in the fun.</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>typo? Lift not list: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>entering the lists with bluster and gusto.</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>