[Critique Group 1] November Critique Notes

[Deanna Noriega]

Marcia

Chestnut Street

You have some pretty long sentences that probably should be made into
shorter ones.

In the first paragraph, there is a sentence that seems awkward:

Perhaps a period after village. Perhaps, I would learn over time, in a small
town, hidden eyes warily watch watch strangers.

 

 

Cleora

I Never Saw That Before

This piece is a little vague because the sentences run-on and have too much
verbiage.

For example:

The first paragraph would be cleaner if you wrote something like:

Dusty merrily whistled his version of "Yankee Doodle."

My cockteel Dusty.

Janet turned to tell the bird how handsome he was.

Dusty had been sining that tune for over three years, almost as long as
Janet had worked for Claudia.

Janet had been and doing odd things lately.

Try tightening up your sentences and it will flow better.

Maybe something like:

As Claudia walked into the house, she wondered if Janet was really losing
it. Changing help was always difficult, but was Janet capable of performing
the tasks Claudia needed done?

 

Leonard

Where Would I GO?

In the 2nd stanza, I would move the last two lines and continue the thought
with the part about that land needing the young.

I like the first line of the fourth stanza,

But perhaps follow it with

What is fact is defined as farce

And lies are declared facts

I like the last line.

 

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