[Critique Group 1] Marcia's August comments

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora

My Summer Vacation

 

Revise Title?:  Not Your typical Summer Vacation

 

Context:  age, state

 

Reword:  If I had told about my summer vacation, the teacher would have
marked it as unacceptable because it wasn't the kind of story she was
expecting.

Try:  If I had told about my summer vacation, the teacher might have marked
it as unacceptable because it wasn't the kind of story she was expecting.

 

Delete blank line:  

For me, summer was a time of work and preparation.

 

After the long winter, there was fence mending and other repairs to be made
around our small farm

 

Repeated:  canning vegetables, and fruit to store for the fall and winter
ahead

 

Rows or trees?:  We had an orchard made up of one row of apple trees, 2
apricot (my favorite), 2 plumb, 1 red cherry, 1 white cherry, and 2 peach
trees.

 

Hyphenate:  two and one half

 

Incomplete sentence:  making apple dumplings, grape jelly,

 

Reword "do it":  At first, I thought I would do it as an adult, But, I
didn't have the money and didn't have paid vacation.

Try:  At first, I thought I would travel as an adult, But I didn't have the
money or paid vacation.

 

Delete comma:  They were into ski trips, and traveling abroad.

Try:  They were into ski trips and traveling abroad.

 

Abrupt transition:  Now, we have people who want to remove the monuments to
our history. Vacation spots are not safe.

Try:  Now, vacation spots are not safe. Some people want to remove the
monuments to our history.

 

 

Leonard

Zoom

 

Interesting dilemma (blind person looking at phone while talking)

 

Reword? Implies can't learn if blind:  But I'm the only peer who can't
perceive

enough for  me to learn a thing.

 

Like this line:  They crave the image of my visage. 

 

Reword:  So, I must abide there pleasantly  smiling.

Try:  So, I must abide there pleasantly  smiling faces.

 

Different word:  an opportunity not to be shunned. 

Try:  an opportunity not to be missed. 

 

Reword:  Sighted people get a feeling of contact, 

Try:  Sighted people get a feeling of connection, 

 

Incomplete sentence:  beyond all their other human senses. 

Perhaps  not as much as for their sense of touch. 

Try:  beyond all their other human senses,

Except perhaps for the sense of touch. 

 

 

Sally

Reading with Corky

 

Book title in quotes?:  And a tattered copy of Beautiful Joe

 

Initial caps:  Boston terrier

 

Invert order? Confused by author's name:  Her Boston terrier gets his wish.

Marshall Saunder's much-loved novel

Of a dog's triumph over abuse

Has made her vow always 

To love animals as much as books.

As shrieks of neighborhood children

playing football fall away,

She draws Corky nearer

And loses herself in printed words of kindness.

 

 

Try:  Her Boston terrier gets his wish.

As shrieks of neighborhood children

playing football fall away,

She draws Corky nearer

And loses herself in printed words of kindness.

Marshall Saunder's much-loved novel

Of a dog's triumph over abuse

Has made her vow always 

To love animals as much as books.

 

 

Deanna

The Puzzle

 

Clever from dog'gs POV

 

Reword:  She never did that before.

Try:  She never wore one before. (needed one)

 

Insert comma:  Other folks wear muzzles too.

Try:  Other folks wear muzzles, too.

 

Punctuation:  Perhaps they know showing their teeth,

Is quite a rude thing to do?

Try:  Perhaps they know showing their teeth

Is quite a rude thing to do.

 

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