[Critique Group 1] Marcia's September notes

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard:

Dear Muse

 

Two lines in a row start with "listen" 

 

Gloaming?

 

Like this line:  the hoot of the owl who asks at night 

 

Also like last line, never stop listening!

 

Cleora:

Part 15

 

Good work using dialogue to move plot forward

 

Try action here instead of dialogue:  "Yes."

Try:  She nodded. 

 

Who does "her" refer to?:  appeared in her Control Center

Try:  appeared in Sitting's Control Center

 

Runes?

 

Conjunction:  I will be meeting

Try:  I'll be meeting

 

Reword:  "My liege," said Fire Light. "If I may, if the thieves guild could
help us

Try:  "If I may, my liege," said Fire Light. "If the thieves guild could
help us

 

Unclear who "they" refers to?:  They nodded and left.

 

Reword:  The other rulers exchanged questioning glances, and then back at
Sitting.

Try:  The other rulers exchanged questioning glances, and then stared back
at Sitting.

 

Insert comma:  "Let's be about it folks," she said.

Try:  "Let's be about it, folks," she said.

 

Deanna:

Wedding Days

(I just realized the title helps clear up some confusion as to whose wedding
day it was.I also just realized that you could play with the spelling of
"Days" as in "Wedding Daze")

 

Hyphenate:  five-year old

Try:  five-year-old

 

Consider two sentences:  Tabby smiled down at her five-year old sister Tina
as she finished adjusting the flowered headband holding back the tumble of
dark curls flowing down the small girl's back.

 

Set dialogue apart:  "Now don't get messed up."

 

Reword:  lay across the twin bed in the room she shared with her flower girl
sister.

Try:  lay across her twin bed in the room she shared with her flower girl
sister.

("The" twin bed implies there is only one twin bed when presumably there are
two)

 

Need closing quote:  "Come Saturday Morning, I'm Going Away with My Friend.

Try:  "Come Saturday Morning, I'm Going Away with My Friend."

 

Who does pronoun refer to?:  She burst in to uncontrolled laughter.

Try:  Tabitha burst in to uncontrolled laughter.

 

 

Also, there is no obvious clue in the first part that the bride is blind to
help understand the guide dog in the second scene.perhaps intentional?
Consider a subtle clue like she checked her talking or braille watch.I think
it's more interesting to know that she is solving all the problems on her
wedding day despite being blind.

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