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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Dear Muse<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Two lines in a row start with “listen” <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Gloaming?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Like this line: the hoot of the owl who asks at night <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Also like last line, never stop listening!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Part 15<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Good work using dialogue to move plot forward<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try action here instead of dialogue: “Yes.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: She nodded. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Who does “her” refer to?: appeared in her Control Center<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: appeared in Sitting’s Control Center<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Runes?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Conjunction: I will be meeting<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I’ll be meeting<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: “My liege,” said Fire Light. “If I may, if the thieves guild could help us<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “If I may, my liege,” said Fire Light. “If the thieves guild could help us<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unclear who “they” refers to?: They nodded and left.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: The other rulers exchanged questioning glances, and then back at Sitting.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The other rulers exchanged questioning glances, and then stared back at Sitting.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: “Let’s be about it folks,” she said.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “Let’s be about it, folks,” she said.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wedding Days<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>(I just realized the title helps clear up some confusion as to whose wedding day it was…I also just realized that you could play with the spelling of “Days” as in “Wedding Daze”)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hyphenate: five-year old<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: five-year-old<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider two sentences: Tabby smiled down at her five-year old sister Tina as she finished adjusting the flowered headband holding back the tumble of dark curls flowing down the small girl’s back.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Set dialogue apart: “Now don’t get messed up.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: lay across the twin bed in the room she shared with her flower girl sister.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: lay across her twin bed in the room she shared with her flower girl sister.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>(“The” twin bed implies there is only one twin bed when presumably there are two)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Need closing quote: “Come Saturday Morning, I’m Going Away with My Friend.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “Come Saturday Morning, I’m Going Away with My Friend.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Who does pronoun refer to?: She burst in to uncontrolled laughter.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Tabitha burst in to uncontrolled laughter.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Also, there is no obvious clue in the first part that the bride is blind to help understand the guide dog in the second scene…perhaps intentional? Consider a subtle clue like she checked her talking or braille watch.I think it’s more interesting to know that she is solving all the problems on her wedding day despite being blind.<o:p></o:p></p></div></body></html>