[Critique Group 1] DeAnna's Critiques for October 2019

[Deanna Noriega]

Cleora

Farm: Province that provides resources to another kingdom or ruler. Doesn't
do anything to help the kingdom he is in. If a province is part of a
kingdom, then you need to change (he is in.) to they are in.

 

Inactive: Ruler that serves himself only. Doesn't do anything to help the
kingdom. May also be a farm. If this definition stands for both a ruler and
a farm, consider revising. For example: 

Inactive: Farm or ruler that serves only their own interests. Doesn't do
anything to help the kingdom. 

 

Science Pump: When the ruler orders the colleges of the province to train
the army, mages, and thieves in the latest skills and techniques of their
field.

This is confusing. If mages and thieves are provinces, Then are the colleges
provinces that provide training in advance techniques to the army of the
kingdom and individual provinces within the kingdom tasked with performing
the offices of mage or or thief? It seems odd that individual geographic
locales would be assigned tasks rather than individuals who exhibit talents
in those skills. Perhaps you need definitions for kingdom and province
first. I thought Crystal Pond was a kingdom with Sitting as ruler. Then what
is the larger division of which her kingdom is a part called? Is that then
an alliance? 

 

rogues: Skilled thieves. If thief refers to a province who's citizens are
skilled in spying, stealing, then are rogues skilled individuals with in a
thief?

 

Shepherd: Humble. Expert farmers, thus able to survive drought & storm
better than other provinces. If this is a province, shouldn't it go up in
the list of province designations with farm, mage and thief, instead of with
the personalities list?

 

Ruler: Lady Doom the Sorcerer

Race: elf mystic

Province: The Scarlet Witch

Role: medium mage / Archmage (Wouldnn't her role be sorceress, she isn't a
province.)

Condition: light

 

Ruler: Toby the rogue

Race: Halfling rogue

Province: Walton On The Hill 

Role: large thief / Head of Thieves (Confusing again. If a thief is a
province, then an individual can't be one unless you want to change thief to
a guild and a profession like ruler, sorceress, mystic etc.  Guild

Condition: weak (154.8)

 

Ruler: Dark Merlin the Sorcerer

Race: faery Mystic

Province: Dravens Darkside (9)

Role: medium mage / Minister of the Underground

Condition: unknown

 

Again, he can't be a mage since you list that as a kind of province. He has
to be a mystic, a or sorcerer.

 

Ruler: Sir Pierson the Sorcerer 

Race: faery Mystic

Province: Sworn to Penetrate (16)

Role: small mage

Condition: light ( Same problem as above He can be a faery, for race and
mystic as his role, but he isn't a province unless a province is something
other than a geographic location but a designation of a role.

 

 

 

Leonard

 

By those who placed self over honor.

I am not sure how you meant this line. Perhaps

:

By those who placed gain over honor? I realize self interest would change
the syllable count.

 

 

 

Who battled to save the conscience -

not the venal might - of his people.

(I think he actually acted on his own conscience.  

 

I liked the double meaning of the last line.

 

***

Marcia

ankles should be changed to ankle unless you did nick both ankles and in
that case, spot should be changed to spots. rubbed the spot should be rub
the spots in that case.

Resigned, I clip Vivi's collar. Perhaps, I clip Vivi's leash to her collar?

 

I suggest dropping the first (As) and begin the sentence with Viviane pullse
me with purpose into the present. I liked this ending sentence. You did an
excellent job of the craziness of life's pressures and the release of going
out for a walk with your dog. Dogs live in the moment and they indeed can
center us.

 

Sally,

This has been a difficult year's journey for you. Thank you for trusting us
to understand and allowing us to stand by you through it. You are a talented
poet. I think you should gather these poems and present them as a chapbook.
Thank you for sharing your journey.

 

Warm Regards,

DeAnna

 

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