[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Cleora

Thu Oct 31 13:06:44 EDT 2019

This was a brave effort.

I’m afraid I was not able to make it all the waythrough.   

I think there are too many of all the rullers,provinces, etc. 

There is no way I could keep track of all of them.

I think a list is a good idea, but the list is waytoo long.  

I don’t know why that many  of these things are necessary for the story. 

I recommend cutting It way down and consolidatingthe actions and roles to far less.   Thepart which made most sense to me is when you got to the end and explained thatthe ants lived in an anthill behind the palace, or something like that. 

Also the fish lived in the pon. The catydids lived in the woods , etc.   

When it comes to the other  provinces, if there could be one   or two that specialized in magic. One or two who were engaged in farming, and soon.  You could spend 

more space in describing the characteristics ofthese relatively few areas and their people.  Keep it simple. 

It's not perfect.There will be changes as the story develops, but here is an attempt at givingthe reader a list of characters and definitions of terms used in the story. 

1637 words

Definitions

attacker:Province that serves the kingdom by capturing land and defending it duringtimes of war.

Mage: Provincethat serves the kingdom by casting spells on enemy kingdoms, and helpingattackers by weakening the targets of attackers. May also help fellow provincesby negating or cancelling enemy spells.

thief: Provincethat serves the kingdom by gathering intel on enemy or target provinces. Mayalso help by stealing resources from enemy or target provinces to benefitthemselves or the kingdom.

Farm: Provincethat provides resources to another kingdom or ruler. Doesn't do anything tohelp the kingdom he is in.

Inactive: Rulerthat serves himself only. Doesn't do anything to help the kingdom. May also bea farm.

Science Pump:When the ruler orders the colleges of the province to train the army, mages,and thieves in the latest skills and techniques of their field.

Range of Strength

feeble: betweendead and 140

weak: between 141and 155

light: between156 and 175

strong: between176 and 190

powerful: between191 and 200

Personality &specialties

Freaks: Theseweirdoes are highly unpredictable. The monarch that can effectively control anduse these fighters may reap great benefits.

Generals: FavorConquest .

mystics: Expertsin magic and the training of wizards.

rogues: Skilledthieves. Since they come from the lowest class of people, they have few or Noscruples. They are Particularly good at infiltrating magic towers toassassinate wizards; Torching Farms, & using propaganda to get enemysoldiers to defect.

Sages: Wise &efficient. Fast due to better battle tactics. Have a cure for the plaguecarried by the undead.

Shepherd: Humble.Expert farmers, thus able to survive drought & storm better than otherprovinces.

War Heroes: Risein power quicker. Able to attract better army because of their reputation.Monarchs should keep an eye on these charismatic fighters.

Warriors: Havestrong well trained and loyal armies. Tend to use mercenaries.

Members of HadesLegions (1:48)

Ruler: unknown

Race: unknown

Province: Aeosil9 formerly of Realms United (5:35)

Role: unknown

Condition: dead

Ruler: Humble SirDog Breath 

Race: Dwarfshepherd

Province: HollowDogs

Role: smallattacker

Condition: weak

Ruler: Lady Doomthe Sorcerer

Race: elf mystic

Province: TheScarlet Witch

Role: medium mage/ Archmage

Condition: light

Ruler: Toby therogue

Race: Halflingrogue

Province: WaltonOn The Hill 

Role: large thief/ Head of Thieves Guild

Condition: weak(154.8)

Ruler: Great Mr.Dragon

Race: orc general

Province: LegacyOf Dragons (1:48)

Role: attacker

Condition: weak

Ruler: GreatRegis Rumble Belly

Race: undeadgeneral, 

Province: TheFlatulent Legion (1:48)

Role: attacker

Condition: light

Ruler: Mr.ARRRRRGHHHHHHH the warrior 

Race: Avianwarrior

Province:Avengers (16)

Role: attacker /first monarch

Condition: dead

Ruler: Sir Houndof War the warrior

Race: humanwarrior, 

Province: TheCrystal Pond (1:48)

Role: mediumattacker

Condition:unknown

Ruler: unknown

Race: Elf

Province:Boscoville (16)

Role: unknown

Condition: light(164.9)

Ruler: DarkMerlin the Sorcerer

Race: faeryMystic

Province: DravensDarkside (9)

Role: medium mage/ Minister of the Underground

Condition:unknown

Ruler: SirPierson the Sorcerer 

Race: faeryMystic

Province: Swornto Penetrate (16)

Role: small mage

Condition: light(170.3)

Ruler: great Mr.moNZon

Race: humangeneral

Province: ChineseFeet Torture (16)

Role: small attacker

Condition: light(164.3)

Ruler: great Mr.Edibo

Race: undeadgeneral

Province:Hamburger Hill (16)

Role: largeattacker

Condition: strong(178.0)

Ruler: Mr. JonnyCage the warrior

Race: unknownwarrior

Province: Sykesempire (1:48)

Role: attacker

Condition:unknown

Ruler: Wise Mr.Xanthzz 

Race: dwarf Sage

Province: SwornTo Destroyz (16)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: light(166.8)

Ruler: Mr. Andythe Rogue

Race: faery Rogue

Province: Swornto LuvRei (1:48)

Role: unknown

Condition:unknown

Ruler: Great Ms.Nubian Goddess

Race: undeadgeneral

Province: Swornto Hate (16)

Role: largeattacker

Condition:powerful (194.2)

Ruler: Great Mr.Jur Gradi 

Race: undeadgeneral

Province: Swornto Neutralize (16)

Role: largeattacker

Condition: light(157.3

Ruler: Great Mr.enyce wan

Race: undeadgeneral

Province: Swornto EnycE (16)

Role: largeattacker

Condition: light(173.7)

Ruler: unknown

Race: elf

Province: Twinkle(16)

Role: unknown

Condition: weak(145.5)

Ruler: Sir Znorfthe warrior

Race: Avian warrior

Province: watert0ture (16)

Role: strongattacker

Condition: light(175.5) 

Ruler: humble SirWizer 

Race: dwarfShepherd

Province:Whipping Good (16)

Role: uncertaincould be attacker or farm

Condition: feeble(139.5) 

Ruler: unknown

Race: undead 

Province:Shrouded Graveyard (16)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: weak(148.5)

Ruler: QueenSitting the warrior

Race: Avianwarrior, bigger well trained loyal army. Uses mercenaries

Province: TheCrystal Pond (16)

Role: Monarch

Condition: light(158.8)

Ruler: Heroic Mr.Fingolfin

Race: dwarf WarHero

Province: IronHills (16)

Role: mediumattacker

Condition: feeble(138.3) 

Ruler: Mr.Astharot the Warrior

Race: dwarfwarrior

Province: Swornto destruction (16)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: light(161.2) 

Ruler: Wise Mr.Ming

Race: elf Sage

Province: Swornto Assassinate (16)

Role: largeattacker

Condition: light(174.1)

members of SilentEnigma

Ruler: Humble SirTaran of Spielburg 

Race: avianShepherd

Province:Achlamar (8:49)

Role: largeattacker

Condition: feeble(118.6)

Ruler: Great Mr.adikadik

Race: Aviangeneral

Province: hAlAsuyop (8:49)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: feeble(115.0)

Ruler: Wise KingAlmero

Race: dwarf Sage

Province:Anathema 

Role: Monarch

Condition: feeble(103.2)

Ruler: Great SirRaymond

Race: dwarfgeneral 

Province:Raymondia (8:49)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: feeble(118.2)

Ruler: unknown

Race: dwarf

Province: The Land of Darkness (16)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: feeble(121.2)

Ruler: Sir Ludde

Race: dwarf Shepherd

Province: Mroaden(8:49)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: feeble(124.0)

Ruler: unknown

Race: dwarf

Province:NVMSCHLP (16)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: feeble(120.9)

Ruler: Mr.Crumble 

Race: dwarfwarrior

Province:CrumbleToDust (8:49)

Role: smallattacker

Condition: feeble(94.3)

Ruler: SirNatureLore

Race: Elf Sage 

Province:Platinum Nature

Role: 

Condition: feeble(126.8)

Ruler: Mr. Toad

Race: elfwarrior, bigger well trained loyal army. Uses mercenaries

Province: Slime City(8:49)

Role: smallattacker 

Condition: feeble(93.2)

Ruler: Mr. Fire 

Race: elf Mystic

Province:Annihilators (8:49)

Role: smallattacker/mage

Condition: light(172.8)

Ruler: Sir Link 

Race: Elf warrior

Province: The2Towers (8:49)

Role: smallattacker/mage

Condition: feeble(126.1)

Ruler: SirBeowulf 

Race: elf Rogue

Province:Geonosian (8:49)

Role: smallattacker/mage

Condition: feeble136.5)

Ruler: unknown

Race: faery 

Province:Mendelbrot (16)

Role: small mage

Condition: feeble126.0)

Ruler: Mr. wimpy

Race: FaeryMystic

Province: I'mwith her (8:49)

Role: small mage

Condition: feeble(104.2)

Ruler: Sir Flythe Rogue

Race: HalflingRogue

Province: Farius(8:49)

Role: small thief

Condition: light(159.4) 

Ruler: SirBozeman 

Race: HalflingRogue

Province: Broadmoor(8:49)

Role: small thief

Condition: feeble(117.4)

Ruler: Sir Death 

Race: HalflingRogue

Province: DeathGates (8:49)

Role: small thief

Condition: feeble(139.2)

Ruler: Sir RobinHood the Rogue

Race: HalflingRogue

Province: The Fens (8:49)

Role: smallthief/mage

Condition: feeble(140.4)

Ruler: Sir DarkLighter 

Race: HalflingRogue

Province: Realmof Faith (8:49)

Role: small thief

Condition: feeble(138.7) 

Ruler: unknown

Race: human

Province: Lok(16)

Role: unknown

Condition: weak(145.5)

Ruler: unknown

Race: Orc 

Province: gotar(16)

Role: mediumattacker

Condition: feeble(113.9)

Ruler: Sir Rippz 

Race: Orc WarHero

Province: TheRipper 

Role: unknown

Condition: feeble(83.5)

Ruler: unknown

Race: undead

Province: Free(16)

Role: unknown

Condition: feeble(132.7)

Provinces outsidethe kingdoms

Kingdom: formerlyin Hades Legions

Ruler: humble MrPez gordo

Race: dwarfShepherd

Province: Torrede queso

Kingdom: TheDread Lands

Ruler: King DinhSan the Rogue 

Race: Dark Elfrogue

Province: DreadDaemon 

Kingdom: CreepingDarkness

Ruler: 

race: unknown

Province: insaneshadow 

Kingdom: CreepingDarkness

Ruler: unknown

Race: unknown

Province: VoidShadow 

Kingdom: CreepingDarkness

Ruler: unknown

Race: human

Province: shadowmhail's 

Friends, alliesand other characters 

3 headed reddragon

Hired by SilentEnigma to destroy The Crystal Castle. Killed by the School of Fishin the crystal pond and mounted on the roof of Sittings castle so it looks likeit is on guard and about to pounce on any intruder.

Anthonee

lead thief incrystal pond Formerly the queen ant

carrier

a magic devicegiven to Sitting by Dark Merlin the faery ruler of draven's dark side. Itfastens on top of her head and let's sitting see through Grasshoppers eyes whenthe windshield is raised. When the visor is pulled down and snapped into placeover the windshield, it makes them invisible. It was later made stronger whenDread Demon had one of his craftsmen repair it.

Caster

leader of flockof griffins. Former leader of the katydids,” 

Driver

lead drake inChrystal pond. Former queen bee.

duck family

family of ducksthat Sitting lived with before they started south for the winter. used to pickon Sitting, steal her food, and abandoned her to walk south on her own.

Fire Light

lead wizard incrystal pond. Former mother of the firefly larva in the pond beside the rearbattlement of the castle.

fireflies

Insects living atthe puddle near the back corner of the castle. 

flock of sheep& goats in barn

Flock Encounteredat the farm by Sitting and Grasshopper as they flew south on their way out ofthe Realm of Heroes.

Fuchsia

former queen fish#2 now a harpy with all the fish who are now harpies

Grasshopper

Grasshoppersitting met on her way south.

human farmer

Human at the provincewith the sheep. 

katydids 

swarm of insectsliving in the forest by the crystal pond.

lead fish #1

leader of theschool of fish in the Crystal Pond. 

lead fish #2

took over controlof the pool of fish in the crystal pond when the original lead fish was killed.

male & femalefox

Pair of foxeshunting at the abandoned castle.

queen ant

queen of thecolony of ants in the back yard of the castle. 

queen bee

queen of the beehive sheltering in the left rear battlement of the castle.

snail

snail at thepuddle where Sitting met the fireflies.

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