[Critique Group 1] Marcia's November notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally 

The Chosen

Title spiritual reference

What about:  Choosing a Home

Singular?:  Fear hiding their true natures

Try:  Fear hiding their true nature

Good line:  Feline angels from her past

Whisper of her preparations

Soul's depth - delete "s" from depths?

 

Cleora

Thanksgiving

Nice personal reflection - I like your personal essays

Use comma instead of period:  A time to reflect and be thankful. Right?

Try:  A time to reflect and be thankful, right?

Artificial meaning given to holidays, promote consumerism

 

Leonard

Deep Star Sixed

Clever

Sixed?

Use of quote marks?

Don't love the word "dumb"

 

Deanna

Alone

Need blank lines between paragraphs

In dialogue, consider contractions aren't vs. are not

Use quote marks:  (I can't do this!) Thought Laurie 

Try: "I can't do this!" Thought Laurie

Simplify:  as tears streamed down her face mingling with the hot water
cascading over her from the shower head. 

Try:  as tears mingled with the hot shower water cascading over her face. 

Reword:  She had walked the floor until she had stumbled in to the walls and
furniture. She had rocked Lindsay in the rocking chair bought by her parents
to celebrate the new grandchild until her legs cramped with charley horses. 

Try:  She had walked the floor until she stumbled into the walls and
furniture. In the rocking chair bought by her parents to celebrate their new
grandchild,she had rocked Lindsay until her legs cramped with charley
horses. 

Insert comma:  Each morning he left

Try:  Each morning, he left

Insert comma:  All day Laurie was

Try:  All day, Laurie was

One word:  stepped back in to sanity.

Try:  stepped back into sanity.

Delete "closed":  She hurried to open the next two closed doors

Try:  She hurried to open the next two doors

Hyphenate or delete "backed":  silver backed hand mirror

Try:  silver-backed hand mirror

Or

silver hand mirror

delete from her grandmother.irrelevant

hyphenate:  tear stained

try:  tear-stained

reword, quote marks, initial caps:  Yes! Here it was. The simply printed
business card the nurse had given her when she left the hospital read: (Erin
Ellis, La Leche League Leader, mother to mother, Breastfeeding and childcare
Consultant for new mothers. 

Try:  Yes! Here it was, the simply printed business card the nurse had given
her when she left the hospital . It read, : "Erin Ellis, La Leche League
Leader, Mother-to-Mother, Breastfeeding and Childcare Consultant for New
Mothers."

Insert comma:  Shakily she dialed the number listed on the card.

Try:  Shakily, she dialed

 

 

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