[Critique Group 1] Sally's October comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's October comments:

DeAnna:  This is a lovely tribute.  The word "Mom" needs to be set off by
commas.  Because I know you, I know a bit about what you and your mother are
going through now, but, if I were a reader coming to the poem cold, I might
want to know why you wrote the poem now.  Are you a young woman about to
leave home?  Are you elderly and looking back at your life?  Is your mother
still alive and able to understand the thank-you? I especially like the part
about how she taught you by her example.

Cleora:  Because I missed some calls, I am assuming this list is for the
group's clarification or one to be placed at the beginning of your book.  I
truly admire your imagination and ability to bring forth a complex tale.
That said, I have to admit to becoming lost at times with all the characters
and their functions and backgrounds.  The story has gotten, for me, more and
more complex.  Did you intend this to happen?  Do you think readers will
follow the plot and characters?  I originally thought this was a children's
book, but now I am wondering if the target audience has shifted.  Is this
tale to be one book or a series?

Marcia: I got such a kick out of this  -- both for the guide dog
relationship and for the mixture of humor and packed life.  Is "cold
weather" coat and gloves a Colorado term?  Otherwise, it is not necessary.
Leave one of your father's ages out; if you omit the mention of his being
94, the upcoming 95th birthday has more significance to the reader.  Change
"on account of" to "because."  "Cook up a casserole" is awkward, especially
since you use "cook" again so soon.  Why not just say "make a casserole?"
The sequence of excuses is spot on; moving from the personal to the global
makes this piece work so well.

Leonard:  I know who Schindler was, but do you think every reader will?  Do
you want to add a bit of explanation?  The part about what
great-grandchildren will think is powerful; for me, that thought alone is
the poem's theme.  Do you mean "partisan" and "traitor" to be opposites?  If
so, they really aren't.  A "partisan" could be defined differently by people
who hold various views.  The "trumps" in the last line should be singular to
work with the two subjects.  Is the use of "trumps" meant to be ironic?
Overall, another thought-provoking and necessary observation.

 

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