[Critique Group 1] Cleora's notes for February session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for DeAnna
The sentence about how much time a guide dog can require is long.
Consider shortening it.
Love the story about Griffin's home bath. 
I remember giving a dog covered with dingle berries a bath. 
I can appreciate the mess.
daughter graduated ...
should it be completing rather than completed
It jumps around.
I expected it to be about the empty nest.
Griffin gets a bath.
Then Daughter graduates 
Then Griffin is being hand fed by Amber. 
Casha graduates.
Now you are grandparents.
I was able to follow it, but consider making it more linear.
The poem is very rhythmic. I keep wanting it to rhyme.
Not necessary, I just keep listening for rhyme.
the wording makes the beginning and end of the poem clear
A beautiful ending.
The second time I read through just before the meeting, I didn't notice as much the jumping around.
I did notice it is a bit rough in spots.
I'm sure you will clear than up when you get everything worked out and pulled together.
Also, when encouraging the youngest daughter to get an AA degree. What does AA stand for?

[comments for Marsha
humm
Definitely a sugar fix.
Not a good read for diabetics.
I had a little trouble with the sprinkles like cookies.
It works if I pause and try to picture it in my mind.
It is fun.
On my first read, I felt a diabetic coma coming on.
This is delightful, and I'm sure was a lot of fun to write, but I'm not sure it is right for this section.
The more I read it, the more I am able to follow it.
whisk needs an "s"
Didn't understand the slap of the coconut limb.
Then it says calorie free.
Maybe it could be rewritten to carry the reader along with what is happening better.
I had to stop at each line and visualize the scene description to follow it.
I read it at least five times before it made sense.

[comments for sally
Cleora
approach 70 in a few years might be redundant.
I think "approaching 70," implies a few years.
Argh, I just realized. I am approaching 70.

[comments for Leonard
pretty as a picture is a cliché
The wording used to describe the arrival of the winged horse brought me into the story for the first time.
The other wording, just doesn't engage me in the story.
I'm just picturing 2 people, it isn't animated.
good description of D mounting the horse
It creates interest in what is to come.
slow start.