[Critique Group 1] February Critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

2/28/2019

Marcia:

Yummy Winter Walk

The title doesn’t quite capture the playful spirit of the piece.

Perhaps something like: (A Taste of Winter,) or (Savoring a Winter Walk.)

You used the alliteration, (marble maze) If you meant the visual effect of
mixing chocolate into white it should be (marbled maze)

You used another one when you said (gooey gelatin) when you described
stepping in to a slushy street. Perhaps though (melting gelatin or not quite
set gelatin would work better.

(pine needles shimmer in glaze) might sound more fluid as Glazed pine
needles shimmer.

To avoid the confusion of a person who sees winter differently and also uses
a guide dog, you could start out with a brief sentence like: The delicious
abstract glory of winter tempts me to venture out to savor a walk with my
guide dog.It is charming and whimsical.

 

Sally,

Introduction,

I thought the sentence that included the word (handling) was awkward.
Perhaps drop handling and say (having)

Cut the (in a few years) from the sentence 70. Perhaps use nearly 70
instead.

I think this is a good introduction to your book.

 

Leonard:

Art and Character Doesn’t fit the piece as a title as yet.

(silver sails were as pretty as a picture seems a  cliché.

River millennium fairies is an odd name for the sculptors of the wharf. What
does the millenniumindicate?

His chest bore a pine-green tunic, wrapped in a rhododendron-purple cloak is
awkward. I don’t think you mean his chest  was the background for a tunic
wrapped in a cloak. Perhaps, He wore a rhododendron-purple cloak over a
pine-green tunic.    

A little awkward phrasing hereLextending hand to escort the beautiful master
artisan. Maybe finish the phrase with ashore.

You use (as you perfectly know, Perhaps it should be (as you know perfectly
well?)

Gold lame cape should be gold lam é.

Leave out herself from the phrase, Dionysia clutched herselftightly to his
back. Perhaps Dionnysia clung tightly to his back, wrapping her slender arms
around his waist.

(as though she had been there before, which she had been, of course) Try
leaving out the second been.

(Apollo had had something do with her leaving so abruptly.) Try Apollo had
something to do with her sudden departure.)

(she would leave him again) Try (when she left him again)

I am not sure where this is going but I liked the juxtaposition of his
formality and dignity which fits his character as made of wood and her
flippant insistence on having moved on to whatever comes next. This does fit
the concept of a creative spontaneous person.

 

Cleora

Part 8.

(brownish-red) red-brown? Rust? Auburn coats?

Weekly should be weakly.

This seemed a bit slow, but perhaps this is is because it doesn’t seem to
advance the story nmuch. There is plenty of action in it but it is drawn-out
with little advancement in the story line.

Still, I like the interactions between the two friends.

 

 

    

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