[Critique Group 1] Marcia's August notes

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna -

 

 

\\Reword:  three small girls sat in a row on the steps of

Try:  three small girls sat in a row on the second step of

 

Delete "it":  It was an old neighborhood of working class homes.

Try:  The neighborhood street was lined with old working class homes.

 

Insert comma:  Most of them needed paint and the cars

Try:  Most of them needed paint, and the cars

 

Use quotes for nicknames?:  (bones), Buttons, Bows

 

Insert comma:  by the end of Sunday mass it straggled

Try:  by the end of Sunday mass, it straggled

 

Insert blank lines before and after dialogue:

"Do you believe in magic," she asked? 

                "Nope," answered Bones. "My ma says to spit in one hand and
wish in the other and see which gets fille

 

Insert comma:  Ten years flew by and three young women sat on the porch
swing in the shade. 

Try:  Ten years flew by, and three young women sat on the porch swing in the
shade. 

 

Reword stronger?:  as long as little girls still had dreams and believed
hard enough in them. 

Try:  as long as little girls believe in dreams..as long as little girls
dream.. 

 

Leonard -

 

Title suggestion:  A Sense of Love.The Sense of Love

 

Reword consistent style:  brewing coffee in winter's mornings.

Try:  Coffee brewing on winter's morning.

 

a banishment of fear in its peace.

Try:  Banishing fear with its peace.

 

Cleora -

 

Better action, momentum, dialogue to break up narrative and move story
forward

 

Reword:  a sparse but green forest had almost completely replaced the
charred remains that had been there when she flew away what seemed like
weeks ago.

Try:  a sparse green forest covered the charred remains that had been there
when she flew away what seemed like weeks ago.

 

Delete "it":  It nodded, then turning and walking a short distance away, it
spread its powerful wings and with a final backward glance, leapt into the
air.

Try:  The Griffin nodded, then turning and walking a short distance away, it
spread its powerful wings and leapt into the air with a final backward
glance.

 

Reword "she":  A puzzled Sitting watched,hoping she would come back up. A
rustle of leaves drew her attention to the forest.

Try:  Sitting watched puzzled, hoping the Harpy would come back up. A rustle
of leaves drew her attention to the forest.

 

? :  Marching straight through, she peeked out the back door.

Try:  Marching straight through the castle, she peeked out the back door.

 

Reword:  Straightening, He bowed low. "

Try:  Jumping to attention, He bowed low. "

 

Reword:  I have the news for the province since you were last here whenever
you are ready."

Try:  I have the news for the province since you were last here, whenever
you are ready."

 

Comma / agreement:  On the front of the platform was the names of 21
provinces.

Try:  On the front of the platform were the names of 21 provinces.

 

"never":  she had never cast her vote.

Try:  she hadn't cast her vote.

 

Reword?:  Jumped up,' thought Grasshopper back. 

'A stupid thing?' thought Sitting back, not at all feeling confident.

Try:  Jump up,' thought Grasshopper to Sitting. 

'A stupid thing?' thought Sitting in reply, not at all feeling confident.

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