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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna –<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>\\Reword: three small girls sat in a row on the steps of<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: three small girls sat in a row on the second step of<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “it”: It was an old neighborhood of working class homes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The neighborhood street was lined with old working class homes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: Most of them needed paint and the cars<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Most of them needed paint, and the cars<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use quotes for nicknames?: (bones), Buttons, Bows<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: by the end of Sunday mass it straggled<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: by the end of Sunday mass, it straggled<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert blank lines before and after dialogue:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“Do you believe in magic,” she asked? <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> “Nope,” answered Bones. “My ma says to spit in one hand and wish in the other and see which gets fille<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Insert comma: Ten years flew by and three young women sat on the porch swing in the shade. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: Ten years flew by, and three young women sat on the porch swing in the shade. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Reword stronger?: as long as little girls still had dreams and believed hard enough in them. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: as long as little girls believe in dreams..as long as little girls dream…. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard –<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Title suggestion: A Sense of Love…The Sense of Love<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reword consistent style: brewing coffee in winter’s mornings.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>Coffee brewing on winter’s morning.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>a banishment of fear in its peace.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>Banishing fear with its peace.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora –<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Better action, momentum, dialogue to break up narrative and move story forward<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>a sparse but green forest had almost completely replaced the charred remains that had been there when she flew away what seemed like weeks ago.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: a sparse green forest covered the charred remains that had been there when she flew away what seemed like weeks ago.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “it”: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>It nodded, then turning and walking a short distance away, it spread its powerful wings and with a final backward glance, leapt into the air.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: The Griffin nodded, then turning and walking a short distance away, it spread its powerful wings and leapt into the air with a final backward glance.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Reword “she”: A puzzled Sitting watched,hoping she would come back up. A rustle of leaves drew her attention to the forest.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: Sitting watched puzzled, hoping the Harpy would come back up. A rustle of leaves drew her attention to the forest.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>? : <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Marching straight through, she peeked out the back door.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: Marching straight through the castle, she peeked out the back door.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Straightening, He bowed low. “</span><span style='font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: Jumping to attention, He bowed low. “</span><span style='font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I have the news for the province since you were last here whenever you are ready.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: I have the news for the province since you were last here, whenever you are ready.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Comma / agreement: On the front of the platform was the names of 21 provinces.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: On the front of the platform were the names of 21 provinces.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>“never”: she had never cast her vote.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: she hadn’t cast her vote.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:8.0pt;margin-left:0in'><o:p> </o:p></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:8.0pt;margin-left:0in'>Reword?: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Jumped up,’ thought Grasshopper back. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:8.0pt;margin-left:0in'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>‘A stupid thing?’ thought Sitting back, not at all feeling confident.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:8.0pt;margin-left:0in'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Jump up,’ thought Grasshopper to Sitting. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:8.0pt;margin-left:0in'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>‘A stupid thing?’ thought Sitting in reply, not at all feeling confident.<o:p></o:p></span></p></div></body></html>