[Critique Group 1] Marcia's September comments

[Marcia Wick]

Sally Beyond Bereft

 

Heart-wrenching..

What about you?

Last stanza only three lines?

                                                

Cleora Sitting Duck

 

Redundant:  on her way walking south

Try:  on her way south or walking south.

 

More specific and substitute for "friend":  Somehow, she and her grasshopper
friend wondered into

Try:  She and her grasshopper guide wondered into.

 

? unclear:  made up of provinces of a single race.

Try:  made up of provinces representing each species.

 

Agreement:  Unfortunately, Sitting and her grasshopper friend had wondered
into the land at a time when they are at war with a stronger evil kingdom
bent on their destruction.

Try:  Unfortunately, Sitting and her grasshopper friend wondered into the
land when it was at war with a stronger evil province bent on its
destruction.

 

Simplify:  The enemy kingdom has a pattern of starting to destroy which ever
province is ruled by the kingdom's monarch.

Try:  The evil province had a pattern of attacking whichever province was
ruled by the chosen monarch.

 

Tense:  The rulers have elected Sitting to be their monarch figuring that if
she and her province are destroyed, it will be no big loss.

Try:  The rulers elected Sitting to be their monarch figuring that if she
and her province were destroyed, it would be no big loss.

 

Redundant:  We have all been new at this the first time.

Try:  We have all been new at this.

 

Same speaker, don't separate from quote before:  

"Would you like to try and send a message, now?"

 

Redundant:  They heard a buzzing and turned around to see some bees behind
them.

Try:  They heard a buzzing and turned to see some bees behind them.

 

Break into two sentences:  

Sitting felt numb and like things were out of control as she got up and her
and Merlin followed the swarm of bees down to the crystal pond.

Try:  Sitting felt numb and like things were out of control. She followed
Merlin and the swarm of bees down to the crystal pond.

 

Who is "she?":  A tusk as long as she was tall protruded from the mouth of
the only head she could see.

 

? typo?:  suits of mail

Try:  suits of nails

 

Punctuation:  After some discussion and negotiation, a joyous Regis ended up
with 200 barrels of dragon blood, Dog breath took the tusks of all but one
of the dragon heads, and the three tail spikes.

Try:  After some discussion and negotiation, a joyous Regis ended up with
200 barrels of dragon blood, and Dog breath took the three tail spikes  and
tusks from all but one of the dragon heads.

 

Delete "just":  like it was just about to pounce

Try:  like it was about to pounce

 

Punctuation:  The dragon meat was cut into stakes for the trolls, the
smaller parts into squares for shish kebabs for the fairies, avian,  and
Halflings, the shoulders and hind quarters made some nice roasts for the
dwarves, humans, and elves.

Try:  The dragon meat was cut into stakes for the trolls; the smaller parts
were cut into squares for shish kebabs for the fairies, avian,  and
Halflings. The shoulders and hind quarters made some nice roasts for the
dwarves, humans, and elves.

 

Too many thoughts:  She learned it was possible to hire the dragons in the
land to attack another kingdom; the kingdom gained or lost gold, goods, and
land depending on the outcome of battles; some creatures in the land were
professional thieves, sorcerers, or warriors; and that they all worked
together to help each other to defend and advance their kingdom.

 

Deanna Phoebe

 

Choppy sequence:  Phoebe was my third guide dog.  I was able to arrange to
leave Angelyn with my in-laws in Phoenix and fly on to The Seeing Eye in
March of 1979. It would had to be then, or put off getting a guide dog for
another couple of years. I was expecting our second child in August. 

Try:  In March of 1979 when I got Phoebe, my third guide dog, I was able to
leave Angelyn with my in-laws in Phoenix and fly on to The Seeing Eye. I was
expecting our second child  in August, so it had to be then or put off for
another couple of years. 

 

Move first line, then start new paragraph:  I was four months pregnant   It
was March and the Morristown streets were icy.  My instructor had not been
Phoebe's trainer. This happens when an instructor borrows a dog from another

Try:  The Morristown streets were icy in March. My instructor was a little
concerned about my safety since I was in the first trimester of my
pregnancy. I nearly gave him a heart attack, when.  

 

I was four months pregnant   delete "while":  She learned to guide me while
I towed a stroller behind me, while I carried an infant in a front pack. 

Try:  She learned to guide me while I carried an infant in a front pack  and
towed a stroller behind me. 

 

Spelling:  She was up for any aedventure.

Try:  She was up for any adventure.

 

Simplify:  At a reception, a man stepped back on her paw. He shattered a
claw on her rightfront paw. 

Try:  At a reception, a man stepped back and shattered a claw on her right
front paw  .

 

Change order (surgery after walking):  When her foreleg had to be amputated
to save her from the ravages of the cancer, I felt there was no choice.  We
didn't have the money to pay for the surgery she needed.  She had been a
wonderful courageous friend. At home, she  walked with the affected paw
raised.  She continued walking on her painful paw whenever she was in
harness.  I threw myself into

Try:  At home, she  walked with the affected paw raised.  She continued
walking on her painful paw whenever she was in harness.  When her foreleg
had to be amputated to save her from the ravages of the cancer, I felt there
was no choice.  We didn't have the money to pay for the surgery she needed.
She had been a wonderful courageous friend.  I threw myself into.

 

Delete on lap:  Phoebe ran to place her head on my lap and vocalized for
several minutes with her broad head in my lap.

Try:  Phoebe ran to me and vocalized for several minutes with her broad head
in my lap.

 

Leonard

 

Unnecessary commas:  I recently read, in a science fiction story involving
artificial intelligence, that "intelligence" is defined as

Try:  I recently read in a science fiction story involving artificial
intelligence that "intelligence" is defined as

 

Unnecessary words?:  I was blown away by the implications of that
definition.

Try:  I was blown away by the implications. (or the definition)

 

Stronger?:  which is one directing them to

Try:  directing them to

 

Book title set off with quotes:  Red Badge of Courage

Try:  "Red Badge of Courage"

 

Tense/simplify:  However, given time to absorb this initial bout with fear,
he chooses to override his natural fear programming and respond with fight
instead of flight, even though the fear remains.  On the other hand, he
could have chosen to jump programming tracks and switch from fear to anger.
Or maybe he could have come to understand that living as a coward was more
threatening to his survival as a worthwhile human being than dying.  

Try:  However, given time to absorb this initial bout with fear, he chose to
override his natural programming and respond with fight instead of flight,
even though the fear remained.  He could have chosen to jump programming
tracks (delete and switch) from fear to anger, or come to understand that
living as a coward was more threatening to survival as a worthwhile human
being than dying.  

 

Simplify:  Whatever the choice, it is always the one that

Try:  The choice is always the one that

 

Delete comma:  or, self aggrandizement.

Try:  or self aggrandizement.

 

Simplify, delete commas:  Those options, which have served us well in the
past, are the same ones that are leading to our degradation.

Try:  The options that served us well in the past are the same ones leading
to our degradation.

 

Add comma:  After all, in our gatherer-hunter era we were in no danger of
overindulgence.  

Try:  After all, in our gatherer-hunter era, we were in no danger of
overindulgence.  

 

Overuse "place":  If we used up the resources in any given place, we could
always move on. There were plenty of places to move on to. By the time we
got back to a used- up place, it most likely would have recovered.

Try:  If we depleted resources in one place, we could move on. By the time
we returned, resources could have recovered.

 

Simplify: The takers took and the rest of the world gave, whether they
wanted to or not.  From the takers' point of view, there was always more to
be taken. The land and oceans were, to their limited perspective, limitless.


Try:  The takers took and the world gave.  From the takers' point of view,
the land and oceans were limitless.

 

Unnecessary:  We tend to be in denial when faced with evidence that self
restraint is to our advantage, in the long run.

Try:    We tend to be in denial when faced with evidence that self restraint
is to our advantage.

 

Delete "just":  Just knowing that this is an option proves

Try:  Knowing that this is an option proves

 

Stronger conclusion:  Will we, as a species, choose these new patterns which
are required in our new, evolving environment?

 

If so, this would be a good time to do it.

Try:  Will we, as a species, choose new patterns to survive in our evolving
environment?This would be a good time to start.

 

 

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