[Critique Group 1] september notes from Cleora

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for DeAnna
I love the chapter name "Dog Gone" for the chapter about using a cane.
Is Angelyn the adopted child? 
Is this the same pregnancy from when you came back to America?
I would omit the sentence about Phoebe being your third guide dog in the first paragraph, and add it to the beginning of the second paragraph.
i.e. Start the second with "Phoebe, my third guide dog, was...
This would eliminate the repeat of Phoebe's name twice so close together.
All the information about how an instructor may choose a dog is interesting, but the part beyond how he chose Feebie is not needed here.
I think the different options the instructor has was covered in detail in the chapter on how you got Tammy.
I guess Feebie came from another instructor's pool. That is all we need to know.
What does that have to do with your slipping and falling.
I'm almost in tears as we go through the trauma caused by the injured paw.
I laughed with delight about the birthday party, and the assurance Feebie has found a good home.
My hart breaks for this dog trying to continue as a guide dog when she sees you again at the party.
A delightful chapter. Already, I love Feebie as much as Tammy.
It's a little choppy. Lots of passive verbs. But, I'm sure you will smooth that out as you put it all together.

[comments for Leonard
My initial impression on the first read was that It loses its thrust in the last quarter.
It seems to repeat points already made.
on second read
in the sentence about the soldier. "forced to flee" I think is unnecessary.
You use fear repeatedly in this paragraph. Are there some other words that could be used?
In the paragraph on biological imperatives. aggression is used twice in a short space. perhaps another word could be used in one of the cases?
You could add the word "warrior" ants to emphasize that they don't have a choice.
in the paragraph about our degradation, I think you could leave out 
be more definite omitting probably and most likely makes it stronger.
Good ending.
This could start some real discussion.
I observe that the point of the piece can be used to explain many problems in our society from overspending by governments to people persisting in instant gratification ahead of what would be a better choice not only for themselves, but for the planet & society as well.
However, mankind hasn't overridden these instincts for greed and fear in however many years. I doubt we will change in the future.
Already, people in formerly disadvantaged countries are unwilling to give up their opportunity to enjoy the benefits of industrialization just because it is now seen as not being beneficial to the planet. Some may even perceive the talk about global warming and pollution as an effort by the privileged to prevent them from having the lifestyle those in industrial countries have enjoyed for over a century. With this attitude, things are unlikely to change on a large enough scale to make a difference.
However, it is a good piece with good points. It’s worth a try. Nothing done is nothing accomplished.

[comments for Marsha
I like the imagery of 
spinning words like silk thread across the blank page. 
but I don't get
lines on a loose-leaf paper being a road map.
they are straight while lines on a map are not.
Never mind, I get it now, not talking about the lines on the page to write on, but the lines created by the writing.
I can relate to looping letters etc. and ocean waves.
With the typewriter, I remember my first time on a typewriter and discovering the letters were not in alphabetical order.
I like the letters marching in line like soldiers toward an uncertain future.
Like the writer, I’m  not certain where what she is writing is going.
In the next paragraph, 
still and trusty are unnecessary I think.
I'm sure there is more here than I get.
I get an inkling of something but just can't wrap my mind around it.

[comments for Sally
Often getting these feelings on paper produce the best writing.
I feel the sadness and loss as your world pauses to miss the service dog that has been so much a part of your lives.
Something didn't seem right in the first stanzas.
Then when I read through again, I would drop the last word in the line
Leave off the as and when at the end.
I think it is enough to say
My dog needs me...
I also ran into the last couple of uses and wonered about adding the extra word but then decided they were ok without it.